


A new start

by AryaSnow



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, recovering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-11
Updated: 2016-02-23
Packaged: 2018-05-01 04:17:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 28,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5192027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AryaSnow/pseuds/AryaSnow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Robert and Carson have a heart to heart</p><p>Mary helps Thomas</p><p>And everything that happens after</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Robert/Carson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> robert and carson face some bitter truths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A try to help my friend Thomas out of his misery.
> 
> Robert has the harder part of it.
> 
> pplease ignore the countless mistakes it is not betaed and was just written down in one go without thinking. It just wanted to get out

He dreaded this. Truth be told he never dreaded anything more. Maybe when he had met Matthew Crawley for the first time.But now he did not only dread it, he also felt awful doing this. But Mary was right of course and this had to happen. Especially after all of the details had come out about the sad story of Mr. Barrow.

He still felt wretched about this. Partly it was his fault for implying that Barrow’s post was superfluous. But the main part had been Carson’s. He had gotten the story out of the nervous new footman and Ms. Baxter after Mary had implied that her maid Anna had said something about it.

  
He couldn’t quite bring himself to speak to his still recovering under butler yet. So he had send for Andrew and Ms. Baxter. They had confirmed the vague rumours and supplied examples. Cora had been furious when she found out that he had questioned her maid but after he had explained the problem at hand she was supportive of the plan. But still he had doubts whether this was the right way.

  
But of course it was. And it had been a long time coming. Truth be told it was overdue. So today he had rung for his butler of many years. More than he actually cared to count. He suddenly realized how similar the carriers of Carson and Barrow had been. Both had started out as hall boys in a different house and had then taken the job as junior footman at Downton, working their way up through the ranks. With one difference: Carson had never valeted.

  
It knocked on the door to the library and Carson entered. With the certainty that came with many years in service he sensed that something was awry. “My Lord?” Carson said by way of greeting as was his custom. He gestured to a nearby chair “Please take a seat Carson. This might take a while and will not be pleasant I fear”. Carson seemed about to about to reject the offered chair. “I’d rather have this conversation eye to eye Carson. Please sit down” this time his tone implied that it was an order rather than a request.

  
After Carson had tentatively sat down at the edge of the chair he had to take a deep breath for what he was about to say. But Carson started speaking before he could “Is this about the incident with Mr. Barrow, My Lord?” He shifted uncomfortably “Yes in part it is” he started. “In that case” Carson continued “we will ask him to leave this house as soon as he is able and rid us of the shame he has brought upon us” He shook his head, sighing sadly “No, Carson we will do no such thing” “No. My Lord?” “No. Because this is not about him but about you.”

  
Carson looked at him confused. “Me, My Lord? Have I displeased your Lordship in any way?” “Not exactly displeased Carson more disappointed. I am really disappointed with you.” As he said the words he knew they were the truth. But before Carson could start defending himself he held up a hand.

  
“I am most disappointed with the way you handled business with Mr. Barrow. But that is not the only thing. You have proved yourself irreplaceable in the past. But you stayed there too long. The world has moved on Carson and we moved with it. Some moved quicker than others but we moved.”  
“But still you refuse any change in the way things are handled. In the way the staff is handled. This is not about dismissing or hiring. This is about kindness and understanding. Something that your wife has long been doing.”

  
“I admit that standards have to be kept but those standards have changed over the last two decades. It is no longer necessary to match the footmen in height, or to make sure every male visitor has a valet. Or, and that is the most important point, to ignore anything remotely private and personal in the life of the servants to make sure they still do their work perfectly and to punish the slightest mistake. Doing that instead of looking into what might have caused this slack.”  
“Mr. Barrow had a rough time since he was very young. He has done bad things but him loving men isn’t one of them. Yet you still condemn him for that. You have even called him names and insulted him. Also when we spoke about someone having to be dismissed you immediately suggested him.”

  
“And without waiting for further instructions you took it upon yourself to follow your suggestion. You did so in the most unkind way imaginable. You did not think about the way your words might affect Mr. Barrow. You have seen the results.”  
“I am not saying that you are responsible for the measure that Mr. Barrow took but I do say that you certainly had a part in his considerations. I know this is hard for you Carson, it goes against everything you build your world on. But it is time for change ant that change has to affect everyone. Even and especially the Butler as he is responsible for the welfare of the male staff.”

  
He stopped to get a breath. He hadn’t gotten louder but his voice had still gained a harshness that seemed out of place. Carson had gone from beet red to sheet white during his speech. Now his eyes were just sad and unbelieving. He felt regret rise within him but he knew it still was right. He had realized it while he was speaking. It just felt right.

  
“I am sorry Carson if I have insulted you by this rant but it is what I think. Still you deserve better than this.” He truly felt ashamed. Carson seemed to have gathered his mind together again. “And what do you want to do about it My Lord? I mean about Mr Barrow. He can’t remain here for ever.” He breathed deep, this time truly close to getting louder than was suitable. “Yes he can Carson and he will. And I request something of you.” Here he stopped again bracing himself for what he had to say.

  
“Carson you are 78 years now. That is older than most Butlers are at their retirement. I would suggest you consider your retirement to happen during the next two months.” There he said it. He had given the most loyal of his servants his notice. “Of course we will provide for you and your wife and she is welcome to work here as long as she feels she wants to. But I think the time has come to realize that if you are not prepared to move with the times and the needs of this house and its staff then I am afraid there is no place for you here.”

  
Carson was dumbstruck. Obviously he hadn’t given a thought about the consequences this whole affair would have on himself. Or rather on his job. “My Lord?” “I am sorry Carson but this is how we all feel.” “Even Lady Mary?” He was sorry to dash even that little bit of hope his Butler had. “Even her.” He refrained at the last moment to tell him that it had in fact been Lady Mary’s idea that Carson should retire. And she had also been the one to find an heir.

  
As if Carson had read his mind he asked “And who will replace me as the Butler? I take it you have already found him, seeing as my dismissal seems rather prompt.” He slowly shook his head. He wouldn’t tell him that would be unfair to both. “Yes we have and he will take over after you leave. Please don’t take it to heart that you won’t be able to show him how everything works here. But he is still otherwise employed and will only join us upon your departure.”

  
“So it isn’t Mr. Barrow?” he shook his head neither agreeing nor disagreeing “I will not tell you his name because that would not be proper. And speaking of Mr. Barrow. We thought it better if he isn’t under your jurisdiction anymore. Either he will be under mine or under Mrs. Hughes if that is acceptable for you?” Carson just nodded “May I return downstairs?” both of them rose. “Yes, of course Carson. And please always remember how much you mean to all of us and especially Lady Mary. You will be greatly missed.”

  
Carson nodded and then left without another word. He suddenly remembered something and run after his Butler. “Carson. Lady Mary and Mr. Branson are using the drawing room right now. Please leave them be.” Carson nodded again and went for the door leading down into the basement. He sighed. It was one of the hardest things he had ever done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright I hope you like the first part. i split them up because i think it makes more sense
> 
> please leave comment and kudos i love the to bits ;)


	2. Thomas/Mary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now it is Mary's turn 
> 
> Thomas is a little confused

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please note that this is from Thomas point of view. it also happens before or around the time Mary visits him at his bedside.  
> he would still be very weak and also tires easily

He had been summoned to the drawing room. He didn’t know what to make of that. He hadn’t yet been allowed back into his usual work schedule and truth be told he wasn’t sure he could do it right now. He was still weak from the blood loss, his wrists weakened from the deep cuts. Besides why the drawing room? Lord Grantham usually used the library as his working space. He guessed he would now get his marching orders. He found that he didn’t care anymore. He was past any caring.

Lifting a shaky hand he knocked on the door and entered. Inside awaited the next surprise. It hadn’t been Lord Grantham who had summoned him but Lady Mary. He was rather irritated by that. What would she want? “My Lady?” She smiled at him. “Thomas, Mr. Barrow. Thank you for coming. I didn’t know you were back on duty? Please take a seat.” Gratefully he sank into a nearby chair. His legs were still wobbly after standing or walking too long.

“I am not My Lady. But I tend to spend some time in the servant’s hall or the kitchens. It gets rather boring sitting in bed all day.” He smiled weakly. She gave him a sympathetic look. “But you are getting better I hope? He nodded “Yes My Lady.” She smiled again. “That is good to know Thomas, Mr. Barrow. I have some suggestions for you. Maybe you will want to consider them.”

What suggestions might those be? He didn’t dare to hope. He had done so too often and had seen them dissolve before his eyes. It was too much. He knew he couldn’t go another round on that ride. “Thomas?” Lady Mary sounded concerned. “I should have come to you. It is too much for you at the moment, running around the house.” He shook his head. No he couldn’t be weak, not now. “It’s alright My Lady” His voice was hoarse with emotion and barely above a whisper. He shivered.

Lady Mary got up. That’s it now, he thought, I have ruined my only chance. But instead of ringing the bell to have him brought back to his room she strode over to the sideboard and got a cup of tea. On her way back she snatched up a blanket from a nearby chaise. She handed him the cup and spread the blanket over him. “There, better?” He stared at her like she was an alien being. Nobody had ever done something like that for him and definitely not an upstairs person. 

“Thank you” he whispered. “You are more than welcome Thomas” She smiled warmly. “My father and I have thought a great deal about everything since” she gestured towards his hands “and we came up with a plan. Or rather I came up with it and my father accepted it” she laughed quietly. Thomas glanced up at her still not daring to hope. 

“When do you think you will be able to work again?” Thomas shrugged, he didn’t know, didn’t care. “Well I hope it will be in time to start your new job” at this he shattered again, a small sob coming out of his mouth. It started all over again. Nothing had changed.  
Until he felt a delicate hand on his shoulder. “Thomas, I am sorry. I said something wrong.” He continued to sob. “I didn’t mean a job outside of the Abbey. You can of course stay as long as you like. This is your home after all!” 

She smiled again. And Thomas couldn’t believe what she had just said. He was dumbstruck. Had she just offered him to stay at the place that meant everything to him? And at that to stay there basically for ever? It was too good to be true. He had to be sure.  
He slowly raised his head “Are you certain My Lady? Do you really want me to stay here? A homosexual and suicidal person?” She got angry. Kneeling right in front of him she looked him in the eye and repeated “Thomas, this is your place, I know how much it means to you. We will never ask you to leave it if you don’t want to go.” Another sob broke through. He just couldn’t believe it.

“Thomas. We know it can’t go on like it has. It won’t work if you and Carson have to work so closely together. We thought up a solution. It will be temporary but it will get you away from him. You will be Valet to Mr. Branson. He doesn’t really need one but that way your superior would only be him or my father. It also gives you the time to spend a lot of time out of his sight. We thought that would work best?” 

Thomas looked at her like she was a hallucination. Was he so weak from the blood loss that he started imagining things? He was just confused. Utterly and completely confused. It must have shown because Lady Mary smiled at him and kept her hand on his shoulder. “It is true Thomas I promise you. We actually have thought further on but you are tired now. Do you want me to get Andy so you can get back into bed?” he shook his head once more “No please tell me more. Please.” He whispered. He needed to hear it all to hear it now to make sure it was not a dream.

She lightly squeezed his shoulder. “Well then Thomas. This is the bit you might like most but that will also shock you the most. My father is speaking to Carson at the moment. He will suggest retirement within the next few months. Whenever you think you can take on the post of Butler.” Thomas actually yelped. He quickly covered his mouth at the offensive sound but Lady Mary simply giggled good-naturedly. 

No he couldn’t believe it. This had to be a dream. It couldn’t be otherwise. How could they want a man like himself to run their house? It was impossible to believe. “Ouch!” Lady Mary had pinched his shoulder. “You are not dreaming this Thomas. We want you to replace Carson. Who of course will not be told who will be his replacement. Only that there is one who will start when he has left.”

Thomas couldn’t hold back anymore. He let go of all the barriers and just cried. He cried for joy and for grief, he cried for all the terror he had to endure and all the pain. And now he was not only offered the best post in a prestigious house, no he was given a live long guarantee to stay at this place that meant his everything. He felt slim arms holding him as he just sobbed and cried. 

The next thing he knew was that he was lying in his bed. He shot up. That was a bad idea as it immediately send his head spinning. When his vision cleared he saw Andy at the door and to his surprise Lady Mary in his chair. “My Lady! I am sorry.” But she just dismissed it with a wave of her hand. “It doesn’t matter Thomas.” “What happened?” He croaked. 

“Well you started crying uncontrollably. Which is by the way a good thing especially after everything you have been through in the past years. Then you were so exhausted that you simply fell asleep. So I had Andy bring you up here again.” She smiled gently at him. “Rest now Thomas and remember take as much time as you need to recover and then you can start anew.” He slowly shook his head tyring to clear his mind. “So it is true? I wasn’t dreaming?” 

She pulled the covers up “No Thomas you weren’t. But you might not want to tell everybody just yet.” “Yes My Lady. Thank you My Lady. It is impossible to say how much this means to me.” His eyes were already fluttering shut. “Stop blubbing Mr. Barrow and recover. You are needed here.” With that she rose and left the room, muttering something unintelligible to Andy who nodded. The door hadn’t closed but Thomas was already fast asleep. And for the first time since many years it was a deep and dreamless one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> right thats it i hope you liked it.
> 
> i am not sure does this need a closeoff chapter? would you like to read more about this au?


	3. Mary/Carson/Thomas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mary makes a difficult decision, Carson's behavior backfires, Thomas has another breakdown and Baxter comes to the rescue  
> Mary POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well there goes the one shot.....

She had come down to seek Mr. Barrow out after she had heard from Anna that he was up and working again. She had been worried at that. She only remembered too well how weak he had been just a week ago when she had spoken to him about their offer. He hadn’t given an answer yet but had been more than thankful for it.  
She quickly scanned the servants’ hall but couldn’t spot him. Sighing she turned around to head back upstairs and simply ring for him to join her in the drawing room. She had already reached the bottom of the stairs when she saw a familiar figure leaning against the kitchen wall. 

“Thomas!” she called out softly. Still his head jerked around like he expected something to hit him any moment. When he saw her his eyes lit up ever so slightly. He slowly made his way over to her. She noted how he still seemed rather weak and unsteady when he approached her.  
“My Lady? Is there anything I can do for you?” His voice still was hoarse and insecure. She smiled warmly. “As a matter of fact you do. Have you thought about our offer? By the way should you be back at work again?” She looked at him with worry.

Thomas shifted uncomfortably. “I have to work My Lady. I just can’t sit around all day.” He took a deep breath. She knew what he was thinking. She had been there herself after Matthew’s death. It was unbearable how your thoughts kept turning in circles and getting darker by the minute. So she just put her hand on his arm and squeezed it reassuringly. 

Thomas smiled weakly. “Thank you. And yes I have thought about your offer. A great deal. And I can just repeat what I said to you the other day. I can’t be any more thankful to any of you for making it. I will gladly take any job offered if it means I can stay here My Lady. It means everything to me.” He had tears in his eyes as he said it. Mary’s heart went out to him.

“Then it is settled. You shall start tonight. Mr. Branson is informed and will do everything in his power to help you.” “Again, thank you My Lady.” She gave his arm another squeeze “My pleasure Thomas. And you will let us know when you are ready to start the other job will you?” Just as Thomas was about to answer Carson came round the corner. It was clear from his face that he had at least heard part of their conversation.

Instinctively she stood in front of Thomas, trying to shelter him from the other man. “What is the meaning of this? Mr. Barrow why are you speaking to Lady Mary in such a fashion?” She heard the barely suppressed anger in his voice. And she felt Thomas tremble beside her. Flashing Carson a look that meant she couldn’t be more displeased with him she put her arm firmly back on Thomas’ carefully pushing him behind her but not letting go of him.

Carson had noticed the change in Thomas posture. It set him off anew. “How dare you slump in front of a Lady in that fashion? Stand up straight will you? Is it supposed to be believed? After all you have done to the shame of this house you can’t even pay a Lady her due respect!”  
That was it she decided. No matter how much respect she had for Carson this was too much. She drew herself up to her full height. “Carson I think this is quite enough for now. You will not treat Mr. Barrow in this way when he has done nothing wrong.” She turned her back on him before he could reply. She noticed how Thomas had nearly collapsed at Carson’s words. 

She grabbed both of his arms and gently shook him. “Thomas! Please look at me. You have done nothing wrong. It is alright.” He let out a little sob. She heard Carson mutter something behind her that sounded suspiciously like a barely concealed insult. 

She rounded on him, not letting go of Thomas. “As for you Carson. I just can’t believe my ears. Would you please leave him be?! I think we will continue this conversation in your pantry? Wait for me there.” Her tone implied that there was no room for negotiation. Still Carson looked about to argue. “Now Carson.” She was getting angry at him. He seemed to sense it and left in direction of his pantry.

She turned back to Thomas. She was shocked how quickly he had gone from being a near confident person to the trembling wreck that was standing in front of her. “Oh Thomas. I am so sorry.” She drew him back into her arms and resumed to soothingly rub his back. “Listen Thomas. This can’t go on like this anymore. I will make it clear to Carson” at hearing the name Tomas let out another sob “that he is not to speak with you again unless it is for work related things. And you are from this moment released from any duty you owe him.”

“Maybe you want to go and check Mr. Branson’s wardrobe? And take your time about it?” She had meant well but it seemed that she couldn’t get through to him. So she kept him in her arms and let him sob against her dress. Then she heard steps coming down the stairs. Preparing to defend Thomas once again she looked up. 

But it was perhaps the only person that might get through to Thomas at the present state. “Ms. Baxter” she said quietly. She didn’t have to say anything more. Ms. Baxter came over at once. “What happened?” she asked. “Mr. Carson. She replied in the same hushed tone. “Maybe you could try and soothe him a bit?” She heard her how her worry slipped into her voice and it seemed Ms. Baxter had heard it too. 

“Certainly My Lady.” With that she gently took Thomas into her own arms which he didn’t even seem to notice. She stopped her mother’s Lady’s Maid when she went for the servants’ hall. “Ms. Baxter maybe you want to take him up to Mr. Branson’s dressing room. You won’t be disturbed there. And I fear it might get rather ugly down here. Take as long as is needed.” Ms Baxter nodded and gently steered Thomas towards the stairs quietly talking to the trembling man in her arms.

When they had disappeared she took a deep breath and started towards Carson’s office. This most certainly would be going to be ugly. She would have to crush every hope Carson might still have for staying on. She would disappoint the only person that had always supported her no matter what she had done. Truth be told she did have doubts about the whole thing. Especially after she had seen the state Barrow had been in these past days. But she knew in the end it would be the best solution.

So she prepared herself and wiped every trace of the worry she had about Barrow off her face. She knocked on the door and strode in. Carson immediately jumped up from his chair. “My Lady? Are you alright? If Mr. Barrow has somehow overstepped his mark once more I will be certain he will be reprimanded accordingly.” She had gotten angrier with him by the second. How dare he! Thank heaven he was making this far easier than she thought it would be. 

“Carson. Mr. Barrow has done nothing that is not perfectly acceptable during this time of hardship. He has been treated most unkind and I dare say that you were the one who made things worse for him.” She saw that he wanted to reply but she bulled right over him. She just wanted this to be over. 

“No let me speak Carson. You have treated Mr. Barrow in a way that is not acceptable by any standards. And it doesn’t matter that he likes men better than women and it is most unkind to punish him for something he can’t control.” “Yes My Lady”  
“Also when my father said we need to think about laying off staff he didn’t imply he wanted anybody in particular to be given notice. Yet you immediately went for Mr. Barrow. And again you did so in the most awful way imaginable.”

“Also when Andrew arrived Mr. Barrow was trying nothing but to be kind to him, yet you did everything to keep him away and made sure to tell Andrew the worst of Barrow. And mostly those things were mostly prejudiced and even outright lies. You can’t expect us to simply stand by and accept this? Especially not when your behaviour obviously drove him to such drastic measures.” She had gone too far now she knew it but she hadn’t been able to stop herself.

“No My Lady I don’t think so.” She took y deep breath “Then you see the need for you to retire?” “Yes My Lady. And I am sorry for this mess. And surely you can see that Barrow carries most of the shame himself.” Now she was truly angry. How could he not understand what she was trying to say? How was it possible that he couldn’t see what he had done? Where his actions had brought Mr. Barrow?

“Carson” she reprimanded sternly “Mr. Barrow has tried to end his life because of the way he was treated here and how a certain person kept telling him how useless he was and how he couldn’t be trusted. Does this seem familiar to you?” Carson sputtered “Surly you are not saying that I am the cause of this disgrace?” 

She really couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “Carson even if you are not entirely at fault for Mr. Barrow being that miserable you certainly carry a great part of it. And before you say another word I think it might do you good to take a few days of. Starting tomorrow. We shall not expect you back until next Monday. That will give you some time to think over all we have talked about.”

“If that is how you feel My Lady I shall do as you wish. And I figure Mr. Barrow won’t be doing anything here after all?” She had already been on her way to the door but turned around furious. Trying to keep her voice down she replied “Quite the contrary Carson. He shall substitute for you until you have given us a final date for your retirement.” 

When she reached the door she turned around once more “And I think you shall leave for your days off right now. I don’t think there is any need for you to stay right now. I think Mr. Barrow and Mrs. Hughes can manage. That will be all.” “So he will be replacing me?” Without replying she stepped outside and went in search of Mr. Barrow and Ms. Baxter. She had tears in her eyes which she angrily brushed away. But she had made her choice and wouldn’t go back on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked that. next up: Phyllis and Thomas
> 
> this one was a monster not only because of the length but because it is rather hard to get Mary and Carson right. I hope i have done them justice.


	4. Baxter/Thomas/Mary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phyllis does her best to soothe Thomas who is still a nervous wreck. Mary joins them with the news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just love the relationship between Thomas and Phyllis. She is a wonderful woman

She had heard Lady Mary’s angry voice before she had seen them but when she had her heart had broken anew. Her Thomas, her little brother Thomas had been sobbing into Lady Mary’s shoulder deaf to the world and back in his darkest place. The reason wasn’t hard to figure when she saw Mr. Carson’s beet red face. She was glad when Lady Mary told him to leave. 

She quickly ran down the rest of the steps to help him. Lady Mary noticed her. “Ms. Baxter.” “What happened?” she whispered dreading the answer. “Mr. Carson.” Lady Mary simply replied as another sob came from Thomas. Lady Mary addressed her once more “Maybe you could try and soothe him a bit?”

Of course she would. She would always be there for her little brother. For Thomas. “Certainly My Lady.” Gently ever so gently she pried him loose from Lady Mary and took him into her arms, soothingly running her hand through his hair and whispering useless little things into his ear.

Where to go though? She decided on the rocking chair by the servant’s hall fireplace but Lady Mary stopped her. “Ms Baxter maybe you want to take him up to Mr. Branson’s dressing room. You won’t be disturbed there. And I fear it might get rather ugly down here. Take as long as needed.” She smiled kindly and gave Thomas one last reassuring rub on the back.

Slowly ever so slowly she guided him up the stairs and towards Mr. Branson’s dressing room never once stopping to whisper silly nonsense into his ear. All the while her thoughts raced and turned. Of course Thomas had told her about the surprising and extremely generous offer the Crawley’s had made.  
And he had also told her about how kind and gentle Lady Mary had been to him. But she hadn’t expected her to be so very caring for her little Thomas. It was so nice to see that at least somebody cared about him nearly as much as she did.

When they had reached finally reached Mr. Branson’s dressing room she firmly closed the door behind them and sat him down in the chair kneeling in front of him and keeping his hands firmly in hers. “Thomas? Please speak to me. Please let me know how to help you.” He just continued to sob. It was just heart breaking. And not for the first time she wondered if it hadn’t been better if he had succeeded in his attempt to get out of his misery.

“I am sorry Phyllis.” His voice was so quiet that she nearly didn’t hear him at all. “I am so sorry for all this. I just can’t do it anymore.” She grasped his shoulders tightly. “Thomas don’t say that. Please. I know how strong you are. And you are not to be sorry for anything. The only one who has to be sorry is Carson.”

He winced at the name “Please don’t speak about him. Please just don’t” And with that he was all in sobs again. She took him in her arms once more. Her little brother. “Shsh it is alright my dear. It is alright.” And he just cried unable to stop. Loud, heaving sobs. She could do nothing but hold him until he would either stop or fall asleep.  
Maybe it would really have been better if that day she would have continued on with Mr. Molesley. Thomas was so fragile once his walls had collapsed, once he had given up. It just wouldn’t do to have Carson and Thomas in the same house anymore. 

It was just heart wrenching to see proud and unbreakable Thomas Barrow reduced to this state. It was almost too much to bear. And how much she would have liked to give in and just cry for all the bad that ad been done to her Thomas. She had promised his sister to watch over him for her. And he had become like another brother for her. But for his sake she couldn’t give in to the urge to cry. She had to be strong.

She couldn’t say how long they had stayed like this. Him sobbing and her holding him tightly to her rubbing his back in soothing circles. She heard a quiet knock on the door and quickly stood in front of Thomas fearing Mr. Branson would have come in. But it was Lady Mary who just gestured for her to continue soothing Thomas.  
God she hadn’t known a person could have so many tears. “Thomas?” Lady Mary asked quietly. “Thomas I have to tell you something.” And that’s it she thought. That is Thomas leaving forever. But once again Lady Mary surprised her.

“I have just given Carson his marching orders. He will be gone by the time you go back downstairs. He is not to return until we get an answer from him when he will leave permanently and then he will only be back to collect his things.”  
“I am sorry that this is happening rather quickly but I just couldn’t stand another self-righteous word concerning you from him. From now on Thomas Barrow you are the Butler of Downton Abbey and we are glad to have you here.” She smiled at him. 

She was unable to say one word. It was just too good to believe. Thomas seemed to think the same. He was staring at Lady Mary like she was a ghost. She recovered eventually “Thank you My Lady. This is so gracious of you.” Lady Mary just smiled “What do you say Barrow? Are you ready for the challenge? Mrs. Hughes and Ms. Baxter and everyone will support you of course.” 

Thomas was still staring at her mouth agape, eyes unbelieving. Eventually he got some words out. “Thank you My Lady. Thank you so much. I just need to get it all in my head. This is all so much.” And he started crying anew. But she knew this time they were tears of relief and joy. She hugged him closely.

Lady Mary spoke up again. This time she sounded far more serious and she begun to worry again. “You see it wasn’t easy what I did today. I once held Carson in high esteem. But the way he treated you and how he just didn’t want to see his fault in all this opened my eyes. And I did not like what I saw. So I made a decision. And I decided for you Barrow.” She winked “And I hope I won’t regret it” She laughed good naturedly. 

“No My Lady never. I promise. I will do my best to repay every kindness you have shown me.” She was glad for Thomas. This was better than anything that she had imagined. Lady Mary still smiled at him. “Nonsense. Why should you repay anything? We owed you this at the very least. And I think you will do marvellously.” With that she turned around and started for the door.

“Oh and one last thing. I am going to speak to father right now. He will have no problems accepting it and if he has I will tell him everything Carson has said during our conversation downstairs. I promise you Barrow I will do everything in my power to make you feel a bit happier here.” And with that she left the room.

Thomas let his head sink into his hands. “Oh my god” he mumbled “I just can’t believe it. It is just….” He sighed deeply. She could easily feel for him. She still was really confused after the events today. “But isn’t that what you always wanted?” “Yes, once. But now I don’t know. I don’t know if I can manage this Phyllis.”  
She grabbed him by the shoulders. “You can do it Thomas! We are all standing behind you. You will do brilliantly.” She smiled encouragingly. And it was like she said, Thomas was able to handle the responsibilities if he had somebody who would support him. And she would be damned if she would not defend and support him till her last breath. Her Thomas, her little brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hm will this be the last installment? What do you think?
> 
> And do you think Mary was alright? I think that she does have this compassionate streak withing her. Also when she is fixed on a decision that was as hard and the one deciding between Carson and Thomas then she will defend it no matter what


	5. Thomas/Andy/Mrs. Hughes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A first impression of Butler Thomas Barrow and his Coworkers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah dam it there you go.....  
> for trampadoo here you go with your Andy/Thomas interaction

It had been a few days now. A few days since Lady Mary had thrown Carson out for his sake. A few days since he had been made Butler at Downton Abbey. And still it was all a haze. He still couldn’t get his mind around the fact. It was nerve wrecking.

  
He sat at his desk, open wine ledger in front of him, and stared into the empty air. They hadn’t been unkind downstairs. In fact most had been friendly and helpful save for some like Molesley who had been indifferent and Bates whom he had never gotten along with.

  
Surprisingly enough Mrs. Hughes, he would never call her Mrs. Carson, had been most supportive and kind. Even if he had taken her husband’s job. Said husband was even forbidden to enter the Abbey at the moment. But no he wouldn’t think about him now. It would only lead to worse thoughts and he didn’t want those thoughts anymore.

Bad enough he had broken down in front of Lady Mary and more than once. Truth be told he still was astonished how kind and caring she had been. And even more astonished that she would put his needs over her beloved Carson. 

Carson. The man that had made him do things he would never forget. He still felt the bite of the razor. The tears streaming down his face. And it was all Carson’s fault. He had bullied him and showed nothing but revulsion in regard to him. In the end it had been too much.

  
There he was again. He had given in to the dark thoughts he had wanted to banish. He felt a lonely tear rolling down his cheek. Angrily he brushed it away. He was done with crying. He tried to focus on a different problem.

  
The rooms. He had not only taken over the Butler’s pantry but had also been given Mr. Carson’s old room in the attics. At the moment he was still sleeping in his old room. The Butler’s room still had too much of the former occupant in it. He would have to shift and replace furniture in both rooms to make himself entirely comfortable with the surroundings.

  
Maybe Andy could help him with that. Andy. Thomas still hadn’t spoken with him. Had refused to. It weighed down his mind. He knew that it had been Andy who had kicked in the bathroom door on that awful day. Andy who had carried him into the nearest room. And Andy who had taken care of him afterwards. And he had never once thanked him.

  
Had been too busy with getting a grip on himself that he had completely forgotten about the young footman. God. It must have been horrible for him. He made a choice. Standing up he closed the wine ledger and brushed his hand against the desk. He knew which one he would exchange it for. And he would do that soon. But first Andy.

  
He strode to the door and pulled it open. Calling out to the closest hall boy he told him to find Andy as quickly as possible and bring him to the butler’s pantry. Watching the young boy scurry off he nodded and turned around. Sitting back down, he braced himself for the next ordeal.

  
When there was a timid knock on the door he drew another deep breath, stood up and called for the person outside to enter. It was Andy and the hall boy. “Thank you Henry. Well done.” Henry smiled timidly and rushed off to whatever task he had to do. Thomas was satisfied.

  
It had been one of the first things he had started doing as a butler. He was generous with his praise. He found that it motivated the staff better than constant scolding. Maybe it had to do with the fact that he knew how constant scolding felt like. Only then did he turn to the footman who was still standing in the door. “Andrew please come in.” He gestured to the chair in front of his desk seating himself in the chair he had just vacated a few moments ago.

Andy nervously shuffled closer and seated himself on the edge of the chair. He sighed, this was going to be difficult. “Andrew I am not going to scold you or anything. Also I won’t beat about the bush. I wanted to thank you for saving me that day. And for looking after me later.” He took another deep breath waiting anxiously for a reaction from the man opposite.

  
Andy looked at him confused. Obviously he had expected something different. Maybe a ticking off about something he had done wrong? Not that he had. Finally Andy seemed to have gathered his thoughts, or maybe his courage and replied “It was the only thing I could still do for you Mr. Barrow. To show you that I am your friend and had been then.”

  
He felt tears welling back up at this. But he willed them back down. He wouldn’t cry in front of a footman. “Well thank you again Andrew. It was kind of you.” Now Andy got angry. And he felt a kind of dread rising within him. He hated when people got angry at him. It never ended well for him.

  
“Mr. Barrow it was the only thing I could to. I am still so sorry about the way I treated you when I first arrived and how I just went back to that after Mr. Dawes took over my lessons. I hadn’t realized how much I was hurting you doing that. I wanted to make up for it by taking care of you while you were recovering. I wanted to be your friend. And you were always kind to me.”

  
He was stunned. Baffled. Speechless. He certainly hadn’t expected this outburst. And the offer of friendship from a person that had been indoctrinated against him by his worst enemy. He needed time to process this. Nobody had ever wanted to be his friend. At least nobody had ever made the first step. It had always been him.

  
He always was under the impression that even when he had found someone he could call a friend that they did it more out of pity than of true friendship. Like Anna Bates for example. Or Jimmy. Or they had used him for their own goals like Philip or O’Brien. Even Phyllis had started out looking after him at his sister’s bidding. But Andy seemed genuine. And that was scary.

  
“Mr. Barrow? Are you alright?” he heard the concern in Andy’s voice. He quickly thought through the options. He just wanted to tell the lie he had been going with the past days, that he was fine. But he decided against it. He was done with lies and deceit. “I haven’t been alright for some time Andrew.”

  
“I know Mr. Barrow. It was stupid of me to ask it. I just worried when you didn’t reply.” “I was thinking. I am sorry I worried you.” “It is alright Mr. Barrow. I have to get back upstairs for dinner. But please tell me if there is anything I can help you with.” With that Andy got up and left.

  
He was still dumbstruck with Andy’s declaration of loyalty and friendship. He sat thinking, his thoughts turning and turning and couldn’t come to a conclusion. There was another nock and Mrs. Hughes pocked her head in. “Aren’t you going up to announce dinner?” When he didn’t answer her immediately she asked in a worried tone “Mr. Barrow what is wrong? Can I do anything for you?” He snapped out of his thoughts. “No Mrs. Hughes. Thank you. I was just going up.”

  
Mrs. Hughes nodded and turned towards the door. “You are going to tell me though if there is anything I can do for you?” He felt a smile rising. How different she was from her husband. “Yes, of course. Thank you Mrs. Hughes.” He rose and went for the door, holding it open for her. While he was ascending the stairs his thoughts still revolved around the kindness of Mrs. Hughes and Andy’s offer of friendship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to you commenters. you have succesfully managed to turn my one shot into a multichapter fic. i have some ideas for this.  
> But keep these comments and kudos coming they mean a lot to me.
> 
> A note on this chapter. Thomas is still as much broken as he was in the past chapters. but since there was no trigger in this he managed quite well. But i think the impact all of the events had on him is still obvious


	6. Robert/Violet/Tom/Thomas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little dinner scene and a lot of honest thinking from Tom and Robert. And a lot of confusing things for our beloved newly minted Butler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not that happy with it. I wanted Violet to have a bigger part but i am rather afraid to write her. she is really difficult with all those witty remarks.

They were sitting at the dining table, enjoying a quiet dinner with the family. For once everyone seemed at peace. Mary and Tom were quietly chatting. Probably about something to do with managing the estate. Since his ulcer had burst they hadn’t allowed him back into their world. Truth be told he was glad for it.

There was too much new to adjust to. More than he could manage to comprehend. But he did comprehend one thing. Replacing Carson with Barrow had been one of the wisest decisions he had made in the past decade or so. Not that he would admit to that of course.

But he was glad that everything downstairs had calmed down considerably. And even Bates, who didn’t have much friendly to say about Barrow in the past, had praised the way he had changed things little by little to create a far more relaxed and efficient working environment.

The result of that was also visible upstairs. Tasks were done quickly and efficiently as usual but with a touch more care and enthusiasm. Answers came promptly and with a slight smile that made giving orders seem less harsh. And of course there was Barrow himself.

To be sure the newly minted butler had added a tiny spring to his step and had abandoned his stony expression for one that still betrayed nothing but seemed more open and honest. He couldn’t help but congratulate himself and of course his eldest daughter silently for this coup.

Even if it had come at the cost of nearly having Barrow take his own life and in consequence those nasty scenes with Carson. He sighed. Carson had been footman and butler for so long that it was hard to remember a time without him.

But here they were. And it seemed that Carson had done one last thing to ensure that even Mary would no longer tolerate him around the Abbey. She had made that much clear she had told him. It seemed almost cruel but Mary had insisted and since then Barrow hadn’t had another breakdown.

Which was for the best he supposed. Cora had been terribly worried at the mental state of her maid Baxter. It seemed that she had taken a special liking to Barrow and had taken the recent events deeply to heart. Neither would tell him why.

He looked around and saw the young footman Andrew standing to attention next to the mantelpiece. Barrow meanwhile was making his round with the wine. He had just reached Tom. He could see that Tom asked Barrow something but he spoke too quiet to make out the words. But Barrow smiled when he gave answer.

When Barrow reached his mother she gently patted his arm. And this time he understood what was being said. “I hope you are feeling better Barrow?” “Certainly my Lady, you are very kind to ask.” Mother shook her head “Nonsense. You have very trying times behind you and no doubt also ahead of you. But making you a butler was the best thing my son could have done to you. I am very happy that you manage so well.”

He had the pleasure to see Thomas deprived of speech for once. He had known his mother secretly approved of their choice. But he hadn’t expected her to declare so openly. He noted that Thomas still hadn’t given an answer. He also saw that he had tears in his eyes. No doubt Barrow hadn’t expected this declaration from his employer’s mother.

He decided to come to the rescue. “As am I Barrow. As we all are. You have wonderfully managed to achieve a far friendlier working atmosphere downstairs and it has been felt upstairs too. I am very, very pleased with the way you have managed this change. I couldn’t wish for a better man in the position.”

His interference had startled Barrow from his reverie. “Thank you my Lord, my Lady. You are very kind.” And with that he hurried off, passing his decanter to Andrew and went in search of a bit of private space in the servery.

He didn’t take it too seriously. Barrow was still healing and needed some time for himself for some moments when the emotional strain got too much. But that was easily understood and tolerated.

He turned to Tom. “I am curious Tom. What did you say to him?” Tom just shrugged “Only that I am sorry that now he can’t be my valet. And that I really appreciate the changes he has made so far. You know I was downstairs too once. And while Carson might have had everything running efficiently enough he didn’t have that feeling for appreciating the work of his underlings and especially not letting them know that they did well.”

He had to admit that Tom had a point there but still. “I think I am forced to agree with you there. But still Carson did everything to the best of his abilities.” “Yes” Tom agreed “but those abilities don’t include kindness and understanding or the need for positive motivation. Thomas has been at the receiving end of this coldness and ignorance for too long. It is no wonder that he wants to show that there is another way.”

And once again he found himself forced to agree. He was about to say so when Barrow returned, took the decanter back from Andrew and went to stand at his usual place behind him. He still feared the day Carson would be back at the Abbey. Even if it was only to pick up the few private possessions he still had at the Abbey.

Maybe it would be better if they gave Mrs. Hughes the final notice and reference for her husband as well as all other belongings. He really didn’t want Barrow having a flashback to old times. It would still be dangerous for him. And god knows, they didn’t need another black episode in Barrow’s life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it. the next one will be longer, introduce a new POV and bring forth all that Robert feared


	7. Elsie/Thomas/Carson/Robert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The grand show down
> 
> and Elsie comes to a conclusion she wouldn't have anticipated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok this hurt to write.
> 
> And I wanted expressively to say: In no way do Carson's views reflect mine.  
> I know Thomas was a thief but that is as far as i would take it.

She had feared this day. But she knew it had been coming. If only they and especially Thomas would have been given more time. But Charles had been adamant. He would be returning on the morrow.

Truth be told he was getting anxious. He hated having to leave the responsibility for the house to the man he despised most. She couldn’t really fault him for that and yet there was something refreshing about the way Thomas lead the staff through the daily chores. And Charles hadn’t fully understood what Lady Mary had implied when she had told him to leave right away and don’t come back.

The worst thing was that she hadn’t even been able to warn Thomas of the impending return of his nemesis. He had retired early as he had done so often in the past week. Maybe it was for the best. But she would make sure to be at hand. It was the least she could to. For the sake of both of them.

-          -              -              -              -              -              -              -              -              -              -              -              -

She and Chares had walked up to the house early. Charles had said he wanted an early start to make sure to correct everything that Barrow had managed to let slack in his lazy way. She had reprimanded him sharply for that but he hadn’t been dissuaded from his opinion so here they were.

She saw the door handle turning. Thomas was ready to start the day. Thankfully he hadn’t yet started changing the furniture around. The little mercies granted to them. She held her breath as the door slowly opened and Thomas entered.

She saw him stop dead right in front of the door. His face going white as a sheet as fear drained the blood from it. She quickly moved before either man could say a word. “Good morning Mr. Barrow. Would you please get Andy to fetch Lady Mary?” She saw how Thomas gathered all he had and managed an answer. “Of course Mrs. Hughes. Right away.”

She could feel how much it helped Thomas not to have to decide on anything right now. But Charles had something against that “Don’t be foolish. They won’t be up yet. And of course they won’t be woken. And certainly not by a footman” She ignored him.

“Mr. Barrow?” To her great relief he turned around, opened the door and called for Andy. She could hear him speak “Andrew please be so kind and get Lady Mary to come down here right away. Tell her it is urgent and tell her I sent you. She will know it is serious. And best hurry up.” “Yes, Mr Barrow. Right away.”

She heard the quick footsteps of Andy receding and then climbing the stairs. Charles’ face had darkened considerably. She quickly moved between the two. If she had to she would act as a human wall between the two. She was still thinking how she could best get Ms. Baxter in here while at the same time keeping her husband and her Co boss from tearing each other’s throats out.

Or more precisely to keep her husband from tearing Thomas’ throat out. But her prayers were answered when a slim figure slipped through the door and immediately took her place behind Thomas. She was able to glimpse how Phyllis carefully put a hand on Thomas’ back.

When she looked back at Thomas she saw the reason for the gentleness. He was rigid. Rigid with fear. His eyes fixed upon Charles and desperately trying to suppress his trembling. Her heart went out to him but before she could say another word Charles let go of his anger.

And that was never good. “Mr. Barrow. How dare you give orders to a Lady in that fashion? Don’t you have a shred of honour left? Have you been doing this for the past days? Well then I won’t be surprised if that sealed your fate here.”

“You have proven yourself to be unreliable in the past. But I would not in my darkest dreams think that you would allow the honour of this house, the honour of the family slide down like that in mere days! I won’t have it! You will go and pack you things at once. You will leave here within the hour and we will never lay eyes on you again.”

She had to cut in. It was worse than she imagined. Somehow it seemed that Charles had forgotten that his days here were over. That his word didn’t count for anything anymore. “Charles!” She nearly shouted at him. “Stop it now. Before you say anything that you might regret later.”

“I won’t stop any of this now Elsie. Nor will I regret one word of what I say. He is not only unreliable he is a thief and an utmost foul person who lives by no moral standards. He has plotted against members of this house and against his fellow workers.”

“He is a coward who conspires in dark corners and only knows the sort of kindness that advances him” She could listen to him anymore. It was unbearable. Where was Lady Mary? She had come. That much she saw from the corner of her eye but she had left again.

Thomas was gone. She could see it in his eyes. He was gone and this time they most likely couldn’t get him back to them. Charles was still going on about how unreliable und untrustworthy Thomas was. He said worse thing that she didn’t even want to repeat.

She was about to try and put a stop to it when she saw Ms. Baxter taking Thomas’ hand into hers and pulling him to her. Charles had seen it too. He thundered “Ms. Baxter! I was not expecting this from you. This is the worst behaviour. Behave yourself and stop acting like a loose woman.” That was it. He had gone too far. Elsie decided right there and then that she would leave him. She couldn’t stay with such a man anymore.

She felt tears welling up. And through those tears she saw the near impossible happen. When Carson had uttered those damming words against Ms. Baxter who had recoiled and made a helpless sound at that, it had been enough to get Thomas out of his inner exile.

And in what a way. “Don’t you dare! Don’t you ever dare to insult her! She has done nothing, absolutely nothing wrong. She is the kindest soul on this god forsaken earth. She has been a mother and a sister to me when no one else would even blink an eye.”

“She has had the worst experiences in her live. And still she is kind and caring. She has protected me from the worst things since I was 6 years old. She has given Molesley the courage to follow through and achieve his greatest wish.”

“And she has prevented my worst plan to come into success. For which I am still very grateful for it has given me the chance to accept the most generous offer anybody ever made to me. And not thanks to you.”

“You have treated me like worthless shit. Like someone who has no rights and no morals. Yes I do like men better than women. Yes I have stolen 24 bottles of wine from the cellar. You know why? Because a god damned Duke broke my heart! That’s why! We were in a relationship for two years until he blackmailed me for his benefit.”

“Yes I have plotted with Ms. O’Brien. You know why? Because she had a hold over me. Because she threatened to expose me if I didn’t play along. The one time I didn’t she played me into believing Jimmy loved me. She also put him up to reporting me to the police if I would leave with a perfectly fine reference.”

“You suspected me of trying to seduce Andrew. Even after I made clear I had no interest whatsoever in a relationship with him that went beyond mere friendship. You told him prejudiced stories and outright lies and therefore destroyed every chance I ever had in gaining a true friend. Just let me tell you that you were not successful.”

“And lastly. Yes I will be replacing you as butler of Downton Abbey. I have also been promised that I could stay here as long as I felt the need to. And you know what I felt when Lady Mary made that particular offer? I was thankful. I was so thankful that I broke down crying out of sheer relief. And you know who took me into her arms and soothed me? Lady Mary.”

“She has been the kindest person I have known since my mother and Phyllis took care of me. And I hope I can repay by being as good at my new post as my abilities allow me. And just for your information Mr. Carson you have been prohibited from entering these premises.”

“And as far as I am concerned this order has not been withdrawn by either his Lordship, Lady Mary or myself and therefore I would kindly ask you to leave. Right away I you please. I think you know where the door is?”

She couldn’t believe it. Had Thomas just told them everything he had kept so close to his heart that he probably hadn’t even told Jimmy? Had he just shown Carson that Lady Mary had changed her allegiance from Carson to himself? Truth be told she had never seen everything so brave.

But it had been too much. For both of them. Both had retreated to opposite sides of the room and had sat down on whatever chair was available there. Carson was breathing hard trying to gather his wits together. Thomas on the other hand had sunk down and buried his face in his hands.

The pressure and the ultimately release of emotions seemed to have knocked the stuffing out of him. He was sobbing into his hands, Ms. Baxter comfortingly rubbing his back. Slowly everything came back into view.

Lady Mary was standing in the door, mouth agape. His Lordship, equally astonished stood behind her. She still was looking from the man she thought she loved, to her employers, to the young man she had known for nearly 20 years and the woman he had called his sister when she heard his Lordship speaking up over the rustle of a woman’s skirts.

Looking up she saw Lady Mary sweeping into the room. But instead of heading towards Mr. Carson she was stepping right towards Thomas to quietly speak to him. His Lordship had started to talk again. “Ms. Baxter, Mary could you take Mr. Barrow to his room?”

When the two women had left with a rather weak Thomas Barrow between them he turned on is former Butler. But Carson started up first. “So that seals it then My Lord? This extremely rude rant has taken away any chance Barrow had of staying on. Especially after the way he spoke about the Lady Mary.”

Now it was her who buried her face in her hands. She couldn’t believe it. Ms. Baxter had told her some of what had occurred the last time Lady Mary and Carson had fought over Thomas Barrow. But a small part of her hadn’t wanted to believe it. But now. Now she saw it as clear as glass.

And obviously his Lordship had seen it too. There was a storm brewing that had not ever been coming before. She was afraid. But she couldn’t get past his Lordship without drawing his attention to herself. So she quietly sat on the chair Thomas had just vacated and prepared for whatever would be coming.

“Carson” His Lordship thundered “I can’t believe I am hearing this right. Mr. Barrow has just bared his soul us. He has trusted us with his most protected feelings and we honour his bravery to do so and take pride in his honesty.”

“And yes he was installed as butler in this house as of the evening of last Tuesday, which was also as Lady Mary should have made clear your last day in this house. I accept your immediate request to retire and will send your things down to the cottage.”

“And I also do not want to see you around these premises for at least a year. You have behaved in the worst imaginable way. You have bullied a man who has done nothing wrong into committing suicide. I should have tried you for murder! Thank god Ms. Baxter and Andrew got there in time. I couldn’t be more disappointed in you. Will you please leave now?”

She had to speak up, now or never. “My Lord? May I stay here for the time being? I mean I want to move back into the house. I just need some distance” His Lordship nodded his assent. She saw Carson’s face fall at her words. But she was quite done with him for the time being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am proud of my Thomas :) and even more proud of Elsie Hughes. 
> 
> But i am afraid this will have more consequences for our tragic hero. And severe ones at that. I am sorry for that.
> 
>  Also I am aware that it is rather controversial. Especially the things Elsie thinks during and after the rant of her husband
> 
> please do let me know what you think about this chapter. As much as i loved the second chapter i dreaded this one. It took me many hours to get through it.


	8. Andy/Mary/Phyllis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andy is worried and comes to a conclusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's welcome another POV meet Andy Parker a true London boy who is not half as naive as others might think

He was pacing anxiously outside Mr. Barrow’s bedroom. The door was closed and to his greatest discomfort he couldn’t hear a sound coming from within. He hadn’t been there when the great clash happened, somebody had to supervise breakfast after all. But he had been most discomforted by the expression on Mr. Barrow’s face when he told him to get Lady Mary.

And when Lady Mary was involved it was serious. And so he was worried. How could he not be after what had happened no more than three weeks past? And he had been recovering so well after initial problems. Especially after Carson was forced to leave.

But now he was back and Mr. Barrow worse than before the attempt on his own life. It was more than worrying. He cared a great deal for Mr. Barrow. Not in the way Mr. Barrow might have cared for that former footman of his but as a good friend. He hoped at least that he was a good friend.

His thoughts went back to their conversation a few days past. Mr. Barrow had summoned him to his office and he had been certain that he would get his marching orders right away. But then he had seen how nervous the new butler was and had gotten nervous himself, not knowing what Mr. Barrow might want from him.

As it turned out he wanted to thank him for saving his life. He had been astonished. What was there to thank him for? Wasn’t it something every friend would do for another? Apparently not, judging by Mr. Barrow’s reaction.

Later when he thought about their peculiar conversation it occurred to him that Mr. Barrow probably never had a real friend. At least not one that didn’t do it from pity or out of self-interest. Or a friendship that consisted of one sided love on Mr. Barrow’s side. Like with Jimmy Kent.

People might think him naïve but he knew more than they thought, had seen more of life than he cared to. He had grown up in London for god’s sake. The modern Babel. A city of sin. A city of crime.

And he knew that navigating it on one’s own often proved fatal. And now he wasn’t thinking about London but it also applied to life in general. He had seen the loneliness and desperation within Mr. Barrow quite early on. Had seen the need of companionship that wasn’t tainted by pity or love. He wanted to be that companion. That friend really.

After the other servants had dropped several hints concerning Mr. Barrow’s sexual orientation he had forced himself not to burst out laughing. What difference did it make? If only it made life harder for Barrow and increased the need for a true friend.

Then they started telling him about all the bad things the under butler had done. And all he could think was: seriously? He had been working with gay men before, had been friends with them. Had been friends and partners with petty thieves and the like.

And he knew it almost never was a flaw in their character but the result of how they were treated by their environment. So he had persisted even if it was getting more difficult by the day. And then it was the one thing he couldn’t do that had opened him the door to friendship with Thomas Barrow.

The red one. He snorted at the thought of the ridiculousness of it. Of course Mr. Barrow had seen through the façade. But he had been surprised by the offer of teaching him to read. Then he had to take the offer made by Mr. Dawes.

Not that he had wanted to. But he had been given very little choice in the matter. The result was that he had less and less opportunities to get to talk with Mr. Barrow. The result had been devastating. Yes he blamed himself for at least a part of that.

Even if the main fault lay with the former butler for insisting that Barrow had neither place nor trust in the house, taking away the support offered by himself had also contributed to the breakdown. And he wanted to make up for that. He wanted to show Mr. Barrow that he had a true and unconditional friend in Andy Parker.

But after today nothing was certain anymore. He had seen Lady Mary and Ms. Baxter half carrying half dragging a very disturbed Mr. Barrow towards the men’s quarters. That had been troubling enough but the worst had been his face.

His eyes had been unseeing, his face expressionless. Like a living corpse. He didn’t know what had induced this state. But it had to be something that had exceeded all that had happened before. And it had to do with Carson.

He had managed to catch Mrs. Hughes shortly after lunch but the housekeeper had not been able to give him a proper report on the events. She seemed shaken to her bones. All he had gained from her was that some hard kept emotion were vented, Mr. Barrow had exposed his soul as had Mr. Carson. It had ended in both enemies breaking down and Lord Grantham banishing Mr. Carson for a year.

He had immediately excused himself, leaving Molesley to take care of the family and had run up to Mr. Barrows room. Only to find that Lady Mary and Ms. Baxter had locked themselves in with Barrow. So now he was condemned to walk a furrow into the floor and wait.

After what seemed an eternity the door finally opened and Lady Mary emerged. He immediately approached her. “My Lady. How is he? Please tell me.” She looked upon him curiously “Not good I am afraid. But what is it to you? You never seemed to have much interest in his wellbeing.”

He took a deep breath “My Lady. I have found him three weeks ago with his wrists slid open by his own hand. He has always been kind to me and I have tried to do that same for him. But I have not been persistent enough.”

“Many people have tried to keep me from forming a friendship with him for obvious reasons. But I have seen and experienced more things than people around here realize. And I know what people in his state need.” When he stopped to catch his breath Lady Mary interjected.

“And what would that be, pray?” “A friend. A true and unconditional friend. I am not interested in him like he would be in other men but I want to be a friend to him. Not like others from self-interest or pity or as a one sided love. But as a companion, as someone he could trust and someone who is always there for him.”

He held his breath waiting for Lady Mary’s reply. To his great surprise she started smiling. “Yes I think he might like that. And I think he will need that friendship of yours. Please go and tell him. But don’t be shocked, he won’t move. He won’t react. He is” she searched for a word “gone kind of. But I think it might help him if somebody is there for him besides Ms. Baxter who won’t leave him.”

She made towards the stairs when she turned around “Please don’t worry about serving dinner. I am sure we will be able to make do with Molesley and a maid for this evening” With a last reassuring smile she started down the stairs.

Taking one last breath he turned the handle and stepped into the room before his confidence left him. Despite Lady Mary’s warning it was still a shock. Mr. Barrow lay on his side, unmoving. He was staring into the air. Not seeing, nor hearing what Ms. Baxter said. Nor feeling the soft touch of her hand on his arm.

He was still in his uniform. His black hair was slowly escaping the hold of the brilliantine. It was a horrible sight. He had always seen Mr. Barrow as a person of great strength and dignity. Seeing him like that was devastating. Even lying in that bloody bath he still had more poise than he did now.

Only then he realised Ms. Baxter looking at him. He gestured at Mr. Barrow. “I wanted to see how he is. I was worried.” He corrected himself quickly “I am worried.” Ms. Baxter nodded. “I heard what you said to Lady Mary. Thank you. It will help him a great deal.” With that she motioned him to join her at the bedside.

He pulled up a chair on the other side of the bed and locked at Mr. Barrow. “What happened?” he enquired. “It must have been worse than anything before if it put him into this state.” But Ms. Baxter shook her head “Not now and not here. It is enough to say that it was coming but it was too early.”

Now he was truly worried. He looked back at Mr. Barrow who still was as he was when he had entered. Probably as he had been since Lady Mary and Ms. Baxter had brought him here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i hope you liked it.   
> In my opinion growing up in London would have meant that Andy already had a great deal of experience with life and the problems it brought at the time he joins the staff at DA. We see his tries to befriend Thomas and the other way round. also Thomas states that he has no romantic interest in him he wants plain friendship. In a fairer world it would work well.


	9. Thomas/Andy/Phyllis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andy and Phyllis take care of their friend.
> 
> Thomas lets go of the past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is for Trampadoo. It is what you have long waited for. I hope you like it.

Nothing 

 

 Empty

 

 Spent

 

 Done

 

Those were the main feelings that flooded him after he had collapsed onto the chair in his office. He didn’t know what had happened before nor after. He was just empty. There was nothing left to think about.

Slowly he felt coherent thoughts coming back into his brain. But memory still eluded him. He realised he was in his room, on his bed. But he didn’t know how he got there.

He heard voices but couldn’t place them. He felt somebody keeping a firm hold on his shoulder and somebody else holding his hand, or were they the same? Was it Edward? Then he remembered that Edward had died. Had succeeded where he, Thomas hadn’t.

He felt a blind rage flooding him. The person, or two, holding onto him seemed to sense it since their grip on him intensified. The rage vanished as quickly as it had appeared. He only felt sadness now. He started to cry. He didn’t want to but it felt good.

He didn’t know how long he cried. But at one point all the sadness had gone. And he was empty again. Then suddenly memory came back to him. And with it the shame. And the knowledge that he had gone too far to ever be able to pretend that it never happened.

He curled up tight in his embarrassment. Next to him he heard somebody gasp. Then a male voice called his name. It took him a moment to figure out who that was. When he did he was even more embarrassed. Andy.

Oh my god. Andy. Now his shame was complete. He had embarrassed the only person who still wanted to be his friend after all this mess in the past weeks. He groaned. No, no, no. Again Andy called him. And now he even realised that Andy used his first name instead of calling him Mr. Barrow as was his custom.

He must have worried the young man beyond imagination. He also realised that the hand holding his own was smaller than the one on his shoulder. Two people then. Probably Phyllis. He had expected as much. She wouldn’t leave him. And he took comfort in that.

Slowly he felt more at ease letting go of all doubts and just relaxed into the care of the two people who cared so much about him that they stayed even if he was unable to communicate. Unable to move. Unable to talk.

How good this care was. He never realised how much he needed this. And for the first time in a long while he found that he didn’t need more. He was content. He heard Phyllis hum a soothing melody and let out a content sigh. This seemed to amuse Andy as he heard a quiet giggle behind him. And he found he had to giggle along with him.

Soon he found himself smiling and even laughing. And then his eyes managed to focus again. Focused on the confused face of his eldest friend. On the person that had never let him down nor demanded anything for her care. He grew serious again.

Slowly pushing himself into an upright position he kept his eyes locked with hers. Then he did the only thing he was capable of doing at this moment. He locked her into his embrace. An embrace that he hoped conveyed all his emotions. He still found himself unable to form audible words.

He felt her hugging him back with the same emotional fierceness. But at the same time he felt Andy’s hand slip from his shoulder. And at once he felt lonely again. He realised how much he needed those two people. His oldest friend and his newest. The only ones he could trust himself with.

He slowly turned in Phyllis’ embrace until he could face Andy. He smiled. And Andy smiled back, replacing his hand on his shoulder then pulling him into a tight hug. Now he was sandwiched between them and never felt more secure nor more content.

And then the floodgates opened and he cried. He felt their arms tightening around him and let go completely. He didn’t know where this came from but it felt right. It felt good to do it. As if all his worries were swept away by the floods.

And then he was able to speak again. “Thank you” he whispered his voice thick with emotion. While Phyllis just hugged him tighter to her Andy replied “We are your friends Thomas and we will always be there for you, always. That is what friends are for.”

“They are there for the other when needed. They support and encourage. They protect and comfort. They are friends. And that is their job. And we will never give notice. We will stay your friends Thomas for as long as we are able. You do not have to be in this alone. You will not. Not now nor ever. We are your friends Thomas.”

He was crying again. He couldn’t possibly express what those words meant to him. And even Phyllis seemed astonished at the words but then she agreed “I couldn’t have put it better. Thomas please, if there is ever anything that you need to talk about then just come to one of us. We will always be there to listen.”

He couldn’t even cry anymore. He realized for perhaps the first time in his life that there were people who unconditionally loved him as he was and would always be at his side. “Thank you” he kept muttering. It was all he was able to say at that moment.

Then he felt Phyllis loosening her grip. He lifted his head and followed her gaze to his clock. It was already late in the afternoon, the family would soon be getting ready for dinner. “I have to go Thomas but Andy will stay here with you.” “I don’t have to be at dinner Thomas. Lady Mary told me they would make do with Molesley and a maid. She cares a lot about you.”

“I will tell her that you are conscious again. She was so worried when we couldn’t get through to you this morning.” He just nodded. He had two friends who were more than that to him and a Lady who cared for him nearly as much as they did. He was lucky.

When Phyllis reached the door she turned around to smile at him. “I will be back after I have seen to her Ladyship.” “Thank you Phyllis. From the bottom of my heart thank you.” And he meant it. She just smiled “You are more than welcome little brother.” At this tears welled up again.

After she left Andy just kept his arms around him until he slowly and carefully disentangled himself to face the young man properly. “Andy. I have no words. I can’t possibly thank you enough for all you have done for me. You have been impossibly kind and caring. I don’t know what to say. I can’t possibly express any of the emotions that I had when you declared your friendship a few days ago. And I don’t have them now.”

Andy just smiled at him “There is no need for them Thomas. As I said friends are there for doing just that. Supporting and caring and comforting. And I meant what I said. I want to be your friend. And I don’t care one shit about what the others think.” He laughed bitterly.

“You don’t know me Andy. You don’t know what a wreck you are taking on.” Andy just put his arm around him. “I think I know enough to be able to say that I don’t care what a wreck you are. And I also know enough to be able to say that no matter what, I still would want to be your friend. If you would have me.”

He leaned into the embrace seeking the comfort found there. “Of course Andy. Of course I will have you. You are so damned kind to me. Kinder than I deserve. So before you take me on will you listen to my story?” “I will Thomas.”

Andy was serious now. And he knew he could trust Andy not to interrupt him nor to spill the story later on. Because what he had said earlier in the pantry wasn’t even the tip of the iceberg. And so he revealed his most secret thoughts and a life kept equally secret for more than 20 years to the young man.

He spoke of his childhood. How his mother had died when he was still a little boy. How his father had been more than rough on him. How his stepmother had despised him. How his father had thrown him out cursing when he had discovered Thomas’ sexuality.

How he had lived on the streets of Manchester and London for more than a year before he had found a place as hall boy in a small house on Eaton Square. Soon he had wanted more and had found a new post as junior footman at Grantham House.

Then one day Mr. Carson, who had already been the butler then, had asked him to come back to Yorkshire at the end of the Season. He had agreed and so had come to the place that he would call home in the future. Only a few months later he had begun a heated affair with one of the junior gardeners.

He had always suspected that the rest of the staff had at least suspected about his nature but as they never said anything it was easy to ignore the looming threat. He had gained confidence and begun to build himself a safety fortress within his own body. At around that time Ms. O’Brien had joined the staff at the Abbey.

She had immediately figured out about him and had made it clear that she knew and would tell. So he was forced to join her in her conspiracies. It had weighed on his mind but he didn’t have a choice. When they went to London a few years later they hosted a Duke.

He was assigned as his Valet and that had been the start of his longest relationship. They had met whenever possible and wrote when it was not. Philip had even promised to make him his valet. Then Lord Grantham’s heir had died on the Titanic and everything had changed.

He had sent a telegram to Philip believing that Lady Mary was the heir now. He was wrong. He was also wrong about his lover. Philip had blackmailed him and had disposed himself of him just as easy as he would dispose of an unwanted item of clothing.

That had really been the beginning of his way downwards. He had gone through 24 bottles of rather expensive wine trying to drown his sorrow. He had tried to steal money from Carson in order to buy more booze. Then Molesley had caught him and he had evaded being fired and a bad reference by signing up for the medical corps.

That had been a mistake as well. He hadn’t wanted to go to the front but being a medic had sent him right into the thick of the Somme. He had decided to go home. And had done the one thing that would do that. Holding up that lighter had been one of the scariest moments in his life.

Then he had been transferred to the Downton hospital and later had been made Acting Sergeant at the convalescent home at the Abbey. After the War he had tried the black market but had spectacularly failed and had lost all his money.

The Spanish flu had saved him. When Carson had been struck into bed he had taken over, helping Mrs. Hughes with everything. That had gained him another contract as footman at the Abbey. Then Jimmy had arrived.

By then he had broken with Ms. O’Brien. She had lured him into thinking that Jimmy reciprocated his feelings. And that had nearly lead to his arrest for sodomy. Only Mr. Bates had been able to save him. Though why Bates did it he still didn’t know.

He had been made under butler while Jimmy had been promoted to first footman. They had been estranged, fighting a silent war for almost a year. Until he had saved Jimmy from a band of village thugs and had taken the beating meant for the man he still loved.

After that they had become friends. Close friends. Then Jimmy had been discovered sleeping with house guest Lady Anstruther and had been fired. It had been the beginning of the end. Jimmy had written twice in as many years and after that he had heard nothing from the man he still loved.

He had undergone conversion therapy. And had nearly killed himself with it. Phyllis had saved him. Despite how ugly he had been to her when she first came.  After that he had just lived from day to day. Had tried to survive.

Then Andy had joined them temporarily and when Carson had looked for another footman he had suggested Andy. But then Lord Grantham had seen the need to lay off staff and Carson had started to bully him out of the Abbey. He had nearly succeeded in bullying him out of his life.

When he had been taken on by Lady Mary and been made butler it had been like a dream. A hazy unreal one at that. It had broken when he had found Carson at his desk this morning. “Where is probably still sitting waiting to finish me off” he finished his grisly report.

Andy who had listened with rapt attendance slowly shook his head. “No Thomas he isn’t. He has been banished from the grounds of the Abbey for at least a year by Lord Grantham. You are still the butler if you want to.” He just stared at his new friend.

“It isn’t a dream then?” Andy smiled slightly “No Thomas it isn’t a dream. Carson’s gone and will not return. Even Mrs. Hughes has decided to move back into her old room here at the Abbey. He stared at the younger man unbelieving.

Now Andy laughed out loud. “Don’t look at me like that Thomas! What do you think would happen after that exhibition this morning? And after all that he has done to you? Lady Mary has been most explicit about her want to remove Carson from the Abbey and His Lordship found himself forced to agree. You can stay here Thomas. You can stay in your home and with your friends.”

They lapsed into a comfortable silence. His thoughts turned and turned. All the while Andy’s arm around his shoulder kept him firmly from drifting back into the past. All he could keep in clear order were two things: He could always stay at his home and he had two fabulous friends. It was enough for now. He was content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i hope you liked this. And still it doesn't make Thomas feel good and happy again. He won't be able to let go for some time and probably never be able to get rid of his depression. But it is a step forward. He now has two people whom he can trust without second thought. And that means a lot to him.
> 
> There will be a few more chapters and then I think I will bring this to a close. But I already have a thought or two about a new one shot (which will definitely stay one) so I hope you will enjoy the rest of this journey and bear with me
> 
> please note that everything from Thomas's point is from my own experience be it myself or a close friend/relative who has experienced this.


	10. Tom/Isobel/Mary/Baxter/Andy/Violet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tom has an "interesting" evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a monster. It has around 10 pages in my document.  
> It was supposed to be merely a bridge but it kept running like a wild horse.  
> Also I wanted it to be a chapter without a Thomas appearance. Well.....
> 
> As always have fun reading it!

It was a quiet dinner tonight. Which was rather unusual seeing that cousin Isobel and the Dowager were both present. But there was little talk and when somebody did say something it was in a hushed tone.

As if speaking loudly would disturb the troubled Thomas a few floors above in his room. Mary had told him what had happened this morning. Or at least she had tried. He could see how deeply troubled she was by the events in the butler’s pantry.

It was not only Thomas Barrow’s fragile state and the turn for the worse he had taken afterward. It was also the great disappointment in the man that had been like a second father to her. It had shocked her more that he had ever thought.

For a moment he had thought it had sent her back into the pit where Matthew’s death had left her. But it only seemed to have made her resolve stronger. Admittedly he had never liked Carson much anyway. But what had happened had made him wish him into the depths of hell.

And he wasn’t even ashamed of it. Though he was astonished that Robert had gone through with the dismissal. And even more so when he had actually banished Carson from the grounds. And also had told the servants that he wouldn’t approve of them speaking with the former butler.

Hell, even Mrs. Hughes had moved back in so disgusted was she by her husband’s behaviour. He realised that Molesley was standing next to him holding a dish. He wondered how long the footman had stood there while he was brooding.

Quickly he took something from the offered plate. “Sorry Molesley. I was miles away” Molesley just smiled “It is alright sir. We all are deeply troubled by that ugly matter.” And with that he moved away.

Cousin Isobel spoke up addressing the whole table for the first time. “Where is Mr. Barrow? I haven’t seen him all day.” Molesley spoke up before anybody could answer. “He is abed my Lady. He hasn’t been well today.” Hasn’t been well didn’t quite fit the situation but he thought that Molesley probably wasn’t in on the whole thing.

The Dowager however appeared to be. “Now that is the understatement of the year my dear Molesley.” “Is it? I wouldn’t know.” He sighed, Molesley was a good man but he was entirely uninterested in anybody save Ms. Baxter.

Who happened to disappear into Thomas’ room for lengthy periods since that awful day she had found him in the bathtub. And most likely Molesley was jealous. He chuckled quietly. Mary, on his left looked at him disapprovingly. “Why are you so happy at this time?” “Nothing really” He tried to communicate with his eyes that he couldn’t speak about it now.

Luckily she seemed to understand. Out loud she said “Thank you granny. Mr. Molesley maybe you haven’t realised it but Mr. Barrow has been more than unwell. In fact he has never been worse. Maybe you should ask Ms. Baxter about it.”

Tom could hug her for saying that. It showed Molesley that he had been wrong without making fun of him. It also made Thomas’ state clear for Isobel who had been looking as if she would continue nagging till she knew every last detail. And it gave Molesley the chance for a lengthy talk with his love.

Robert seemed to be of the same mind. “Thank you Mary. That was kind. Mr. Molesley would you mind if we finished dinner early? Please share the dessert and whatever else is to come among the servants. And don’t forget to bring something to Mr. Barrow.”

Molesley looked as confused as he felt. Obviously he wasn’t the only one. Isobel was, of course, the first to voice her thoughts. “Might I inquire the reason for this exceptional break of routine?” But before Robert could answer the Dowager jumped in.

“Isobel my dear maybe a bit less talking and a bit more listening would help matters.” Turning to the tale in general she said “Well are we going through or have we all grown roots?” She got up and went to the door.

She turned around when she reached it “Oh and Molesley we won’t need anything else tonight. And you might tell Ms. Baxter and Mr. And Mrs. Bates that it might get rather late. Am I right Robert?” She directed the last words at her son.

“Thank you Mama. Yes I am afraid it might take a while. And I am afraid it will not be pleasant. And no we are not about to be bankrupt nor am I going to drop dead at any moment. But I will make matters clearer in a moment.”

He got up and followed the others out when Mary grabbed his arm. “Stay back for a moment. We both know what Papa is going to tell them. I am afraid what Cousin Isobel will do. We have to get her to stay away from him under all circumstances.”

“I fear it won’t help him a bit if she bustles about him. She means well but she doesn’t have the special feel for this special case. I am afraid it might make things worse.” She sounded afraid. He had to think quickly.

The obvious thing was to simply forbid Isobel to enter the servants’ quarters but that was not only incredibly rude but also Isobel was rather like a child in these things. Forbid her anything and it would become her heart’s desire.

The he had an idea. “You go through and I will fetch Andrew or Ms Baxter or maybe both if Thomas can spare them.” Mary seemed as if a rock had been lifted of her heart. “Oh you are a darling Tom. Thank you.” And she swept away.

-          -              -              -              -              -              -              -              -              -              -              -              -

On the way downstairs he thought about it all. There were still blanks. Parts that Mary couldn’t tell him about because they were too close to her heart. Or better to close to destroying her belief in certain people.

Namely Carson. He had never understood her love to him. Not fully anyways. He had known the facts obviously but that was about it. But he had known a similar case. And therefore he could at least suspect what losing him meant to her. Especially in that way.

He had reached the doorway to the servants’ hall. Unfortunately neither Andrew nor Ms. Baxter were present. Most likely they were with Thomas. But he had to talk to Mrs. Hughes anyway. So he stepped into the servants’ hall.

“Mrs. Hughes, might I have a word?” At the sound of his voice everybody rose. He was as embarrassed as ever and quickly motioned for them to sit back down. “Of course Mr. Branson” Mrs. Hughes came over “Shall we go to my sitting room?” He nodded.

When he had closed the door behind him he began “I won’t keep you long Mrs. Hughes. Mary has told me much about what happened since she made the first offer to Mr. Barrow. I will not pry you for any more details. That wouldn’t be fair.”

She nodded gratefully. “But I do have some questions. I am aware that Andrew and Ms. Baxter take turns in caring for Thomas?” She nodded her assent. “Do you think it possible that I might borrow both of them for about half an hour and you or Anna take over?”

“Whatever for Mr. Branson? Thomas is lost without them.” “I don’t mean to take them forever. But Lord Grantham is telling the family about the situation and Lady Mary and I fear that Mrs. Crawley will want to get involved.”

When she started to protest he held up his hand. “Be assured that neither of us thinks it a good idea.” He could see how she relaxed at his words “But we also think that it might not be enough to just tell her.” She nodded.

“So we thought that maybe the two who take care of him might help us persuade her to let it… no to let him rest.” Mrs. Hughes placed a hand on his arm “I think that is a very sensible idea Mr Branson. We shall need to go up then. They are with him now.”

They went to the stairs. “Thank you Mrs. Hughes. And maybe Mr. Bates and Mr. Molesley need to know about it too. Though maybe his Lordship might have already told him.” They started climbing towards the attics “I should think so Mr. Branson.”

When they reached the door to Thomas’ room he had to stop for a moment. Truth be told he was rather afraid. He didn’t want to scare Thomas. But it had to be done. For his sake. So he lifted his hand and knocked tentatively. To his surprise it was Thomas’ voice that he heard.

“Who is there?” It was rather a loud whisper than a loud calling out but it was something. “It is me Tom Branson and Mrs. Hughes. May we come in Thomas?” He heard shuffling and then Andrew opened the door.

He motioned them to step inside quickly.  He was shocked when he saw Thomas. Truth be told he hadn’t looked good those past days but this was worse. Actually the worst he had ever seen the young man.

He swallowed. “How are you Thomas?” The corpse like figure on the bed tried for something that could have passed as a smile. “A bit better Tom. Thank you for asking.” He nodded and smiled at the slip when Thomas called him Tom and forgot to remind them to call him Mr. Barrow.

“Thomas this might seem harsh to you but I think it necessary, so does Lady Mary by the way. Lord Grantham is telling the family about what happened. Not every detail of course that would be unfair. But enough to make them understand your situation.”

Thomas nodded slowly. It encouraged him to push on. Now came the hard part “We fear that Mrs. Crawley might make you one of her charity causes” at this Thomas groaned and got a panicked look in his eyes so he quickly continued “We don’t think that would be helpful at all so we will need to persuade her otherwise.

Thomas visibly relaxed again. Good lord this was going to be more difficult than he thought. Nonetheless he had to go on “We will not be able to do it on our own. You know her whatever she is forbidden it becomes her heart’s desire.”

God it was good to hear that particular chuckle, even if it was barely audible. “I can’t go you know.” “Of course not Thomas, nobody would ask that of you.” He smiled again. “But it might require your two friends to help solve the situation.”

“Maybe you can spare them for half an hour? It won’t take any longer. That is a promise. Even if I have to forcibly drag them bag up the stairs once the half hour is done. Mrs. Hughes would stay with you if that is alright with you?”

He saw how Thomas expression shifted from certainty to fear to discomfort to resignation. He wasn’t comfortable with the request but it couldn’t be helped. It had to happen to spare Thomas worse. And Thomas seemed to have accepted that.

“Could you wait outside for a moment please?” Thomas asked them. He nodded and Mrs. Hughes followed him outside. After a few minutes Andrew and Ms. Baxter exited and Ms. Baxter motioned for Mrs. Hughes to go in.

They quietly went down the stairs. He couldn’t keep in anymore “How is he really? Please tell me.” Ms. Baxter looked him up and down and seemed to come to the conclusion that he could be trusted. “Do you really want to know?”

He took a deep breath “Yes please. I know we haven’t been close but we sat at that table together and I was his colleague for far longer than his superior. I care about him.” Ms. Baxter nodded but before she could start Andrew broke in.

“You never cared before. Why now? Just because he has gone that one step further? Why didn’t you care for him when you were sitting at the same table? Didn’t you see how he was feeling worse by the day?”

“Couldn’t you help him then? Or are you just one of those who pretend? Why didn’t you try and befriend him when you worked together?” Ms. Baxter put her hand on his arm. But he had seen something like this coming.

Better him than Cousin Isobel or the Dowager. “Andrew, I am not sure how much you know about my story or about Mr. Barrow’s behaviour when he was a footman here. No doubt he has told you a lot. But I want to answer your questions so please listen to me.”

“I became chauffeur at Downton in 1913. Thomas joined the army in 1914. When he came back in 1916 he first worked at the hospital in the village. He was still a member of the army. He hadn’t changed much. He was still snobbish and unfair and started scheming as soon as he was back. No wait let me speak”

He held his hand up when he saw that Andy wanted to interrupt. “I am aware now why he did most of what he did. But you wanted to know how it was at that time. So will you listen without interrupting me?” Andy nodded.

“Then Thomas was made acting sergeant in order to run the convalescent home here at the Abbey. He was even worse then. Snobbish and awfully grand. Commanding the servants hither and thither to run and fetch for him.”

“At that point I started my relationship with Lady Sybil. She was the youngest daughter of the Grantham’s and a wonderful girl.” He swallowed. Sybil’s death was still fresh in his mind like it had been yesterday. But he ploughed on.

“In 1918 Sybil and I became engaged and married a few months afterwards. Then we moved to Ireland. Meanwhile Thomas had been discharged from the army and Dr. Clarkson didn’t need help at the hospital.”

“He started dabbling in the black market and lost all his money. He even borrowed money and now couldn’t pay it back. Obviously Carson wouldn’t hire him back and neither did his Lordship want that. But he stayed on.”

“Then the Spanish Flu came and knocked down half of the house including Carson. So When Mrs. Hughes needed support he did it. And he did well. After Carson had recovered there was nothing possible but hiring Thomas back.”

“That is about where the two stories meet up again. But you ask why I care for Thomas. It is not only because he is not well. Anybody with a heart would care but because he did something that really moved me.”

He took a deep breath. His mind took him back to that horrible night of 1919. But he had to finish the story “The night my daughter was born was also the night the love of my life died. She died in childbed. When the servants were told everybody was moved.”

“But Thomas had to take a step outside. He cried for Sybil. She had been kind to him and he grieved for her because he lost the only friend he had. That is why I want to help Thomas Andy. Because I know how much he cares.”

He saw how Andy seemed to have to hold back on his tears. He put a hand on his arm. “I am sorry Andy, my temper ran away with me.” “It is alright Mr. Branson. Thank you for telling me.” He nodded.

“Now will somebody please tell me how Thomas really is doing?” This time Ms. Baxter managed to get ahead of Andy. “He is lost Mr. Branson. Well and truly lost.” Now it was her turn to start crying softly.

He carefully took her in his arms. “Shh… Please Ms. Baxter. We will do everything to help him find his way. I promise you that. He won’t be alone. And he has the best friends at his side that he could possibly have.”

He meant it. It astonished him how fiercely the two of them protected Thomas. It was right that way. He felt glad for Thomas for those friends.

-          -              -              -              -              -              -              -              -              -              -              -              -

When he opened the door to the library he already heard Cousin Isobel fighting her corner. He sighed. Looking back at Andy and Ms. Baxter he went in. “But I can’t see why I am not allowed to tend to him. I am the only one with medical training in the house and I should be the one to look after him.”

Before any of the others could say a word brave Ms. Baxter took up sword and shield. Well more likely sword and spear he mused. “But he isn’t sick Mrs Crawley. Not in the medical sense. Dr. Clarkson has seen to his wrists and they are healing fine.”

“It is a psychological thing Mrs. Crawley and I know he doesn’t want too many people around him.” “And why should I not be one of them Ms. Baxter? As I said I am the one with the necessary training to look after him. And you won’t keep me from doing my job.”

It was then that Andy took up the shield dropped by Ms Baxter. “Mrs. Crawley if I may be frank with you. Mr. Barrow just had a major breakdown. He has been instable for some time and he will not be recovering from that last blow easily.”

“At the moment he only tolerates three people for more than a few minutes. Those are the Lady Mary, Ms. Baxter and I. If it has to be like now he will also accept Mrs. Hughes. But no one else. Because that would make his condition worse.”

“He is lost and need every help he can get from people who are close to him. If anybody he doesn’t accept tries it will make it worse. Please Mrs. Crawley. I rather would not like to find him in his own blood again.”

That seemed to get her to her senses “Is it that bad?” “I am afraid so Mrs. Crawley” Ms. Baxter was back in the field. “Therefore we would kindly ask you to stay away from him. Andy and I will not be leaving his side for a minute if not necessary.”

“We came down here, leaving him with Mrs. Hughes, because we wanted to show you how important it is for us that he gets whatever he needs. And that is not physical care. It is having his friends around him.”

“People who are there at any time of the day to hold him when things get unbearable. To listen to him when he feels the need to talk. To comfort him and to make him feel loved. To assure him constantly that there is somebody there for him. And only his friends can do that Mrs. Crawley.”

“Now if we might be excused. I think we are needed upstairs.” With that she turned around and Andy followed. Isobel looked confused. “I didn’t know it was that bad.” Now Mary was up on her feet. Maybe she had been the entire time. He had been too transfixed by the Thomas defence squad to notice.

“No you didn’t Isobel. Because you never listen! We could have told you that without depraving Thomas of much needed support. But it always has to be you right? You with your medical training are the only one who can take care of the needy. No matter what they are suffering from”

“As soon as you hear the word unwell you are off the line like a shoot. Never once asking what might be best for the person. I know you mean well Isobel. But sometimes it is better to wait a bit.” He was proud of her. She had said aloud what they all thought.

And it could only have been her. Because she wouldn’t have listened to the others. Mary was her god daughter, the widow of her beloved Matthew. That was why she listened to her. “I am sorry Mary. I let my enthusiasm run away with me.” “Again” he couldn’t help himself mutter.

There was an awkward silence. Looking from one to the other Isobel said “Maybe I should better go home.” And for the first time this evening Cora spoke “I think it might be for the best Isobel. Tempers need to be cooled down and frayed nerves patched up before we can continue this talk. Goodnight”

“I think I will go too. This evening has quite exhausted me. And Mary dear, please keep me informed about Mr. Barrow. It is just too awful.” “I shall granny. Thank you for caring about him.” “Why on earth shouldn’t I? He has been in the house since he was a boy. He grew up under this roof. We are responsible for him.”

He couldn’t help but smile. The Dowager kept surprising him. In a positive way more often than he expected. Molesley entered. Cora must have rung for him earlier. It was her who spoke now “Molesley, the Dowager and Mrs. Crawley would like to leave. Also could you tell Bates and Ms. Baxter we are ready to go up.”

“Of course my Lady” Mary spoke up quickly before he could leave. “Molesley. Ms. Baxter should not be disturbed. Mama, will you be alright if Anna tends to you tonight?” “When Cora nodded she smiled

 “Please also tell her that after she has seen to her Ladyship she and Bates can go. I will undress myself. And since she will fret tell her I mean it and it won’t kill me.” “Yes my Lady of course.” “Thank you Molesley.”

After Molesley had left she turned to him. “I think I will go and look after Thomas.” He immediately said “Of course. Shall I come along?” “You would have to wait outside.” He smiled obviously he had to wait outside. He didn’t want to disturb Thomas any further tonight.

“I would not call that a problem.” Mary gave him a grateful smile. “Then let us go. Goodnight Mama, Papa” He quickly said goodnight as well and went after Mary.

-          -              -              -              -              -              -              -              -              -              -              -              -

When they reached the door to Thomas’ room she whispered “Thank you Tom. For everything you do for him.” And he had to reply truthfully “I do it for Sybil. Well mainly for her. She was friends with him and would have liked it to see me helping him.” He had tears in his eyes.

Mary simply put her hand on his shoulder “I miss her too Tom. She was the soul of kindness and love.” He sniffed. It was hard to remember Sybil without grief breaking out anew. “You are allowed to cry for her you know? Or you will end like Mr. Barrow.”

He had to smile through his tears. “You go in then. He needs you more than I do right now.” She hugged him and knocked. When she had disappeared he leant onto the wall next to the door. That way he could hear what was spoken inside.

It also distracted him from his grief. He would cry later in his room. As he had so often in the past years. When he heard Mary’s voice he focused on the conversation inside the room. As it seemed Thomas was asleep. Lucky chap.

“How was he?” That was Mary’s voice. “Disturbed. It seemed to have been harder on him that he thought it would be. And Mrs. Hughes didn’t really know what to do which didn’t help at all.” “Poor him” He heard a bed squeak. Presumably Mary had sat down on Thomas’ bed.

“I wish I could do more for him really” Baxter again. “You are already doing all in your power Ms. Baxter. And he couldn’t be any luckier for it. Where’s Andy by the way?” he heard Baxter chuckle. “I sent him to bed. He was dead on his feet poor boy.”

Mary chuckled along with her “And when will you be sleeping Ms Baxter? You look like you haven’t done so in ages.” I have slept here either like this or in a chair.” What was like this? He was curious. The riddle was solved soon afterwards.

“He slept like this when he sought comfort with his mother as a boy. She had sat up and he would cuddle around her legs and lay his head in her lap where she would stroke his hair until he was asleep.”

“It is good to take such care Ms. Baxter. But you need some decent sleep. I will stay with him during the night and you go to bed.” He heard the bed squeak. “Better go and release poor Branson who has been waiting outside since I entered.”

Again he heard Ms. Baxter chuckle. Then the door opened. “I guess you heard every word?” “I have” He could just see around her and spot Thomas sleeping form on the bed, head in Ms. Baxter’s lap. “I think it very nice of you to spend your night awake for him.”

“But of course I would do that. It is the least I can do. Will you be alright Tom?” he nodded “I will. Just make sure he will too” She smiled and turned to go leaving the door slightly ajar. She settled on the bed Ms. Baxter had just vacated.

Ms. Baxter had come to the door by then. Lovingly she looked back at the sleeping Thomas who at least for now looked at peace for once. Before she closed the door he was able to see the most moving sight he had ever seen involving Mary.

She had placed Thomas’ head on her lap and had begun to caress his hair, twirling and gently stroking the black tangles.  He smiled. Ms. Baxter seemed like she was ready to collapse at the touch of a feather but she also looked kind of worried. He felt he had to say something.

“He can’t be better off right now. He has three people who love him very much around him day and night. And honestly I have never seen her do anything like that before. Not with her son and not when Matthew was injured in the War.”

She smiled at him gratefully. “Thank you Mr. Branson. He is indeed lucky. Even if it is only in that one thing.” “Does he have any family still willing to see him? His sister or his mother perhaps?” she sighed sadly.

“No His mother died even before he had to leave home and his sister died of the Spanish Flu. I haven’t told him yet. There was never the right moment and later…” He understood. “She was my best friend growing up and it was her who asked me to look after Thomas. I didn’t want to because I never had much to do with him. But after a while he became my little brother too.”

She sniffed. Honestly she looked close to breaking down entirely. “I really should go and undress her Ladyship. She will have been waiting for ages now.” He put an arm on her shoulder “Don’t worry Anna has already seen to her.”

“Thank you and Lady Mary. You are too kind. To both of us, all three really” She breathed a laugh. He just took her into his arms. “No need to worry Ms. Baxter. We will do everything within our power to help everyone who lives here. And that includes escorting you to bed and making sure you will sleep in it.”

“Thank you Mr. Branson” She said when they reached her door. “Good night. And try to sleep as well.” He smiled. God what was wrong? He usually didn’t smile that often. But he couldn’t suppress it.

“Goodnight Ms. Baxter. I shall if you do.” He said seriously. She gave him one last smiled and entered her room. All the way down his thoughts turned and turned. He thought about Thomas and his difficulties. But he ended up thinking of Sybil. And he fondly remembered what a kind and loving wife he had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phuuu  
> Isobel is a torture to write. I always thought Violet hard but Isobel's a monster.
> 
> Tom may seem a little detached but I think he still is more of an observer than participant
> 
> As always kudos are most welcome. So are comments. You just can't leave poor Trampadoo to do all the commenting (even though I love her awesome comments!)
> 
> Oh and you may have realized by now: I am not a native speaker. there might be figures of speech that seem unusual or steady repetitions. I hope I can be forgiven ;)


	11. Thomas (3 months later)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas has a moment to himself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok sorry guys for keeping you waiting.  
> I had some busy time and then I was away without my Laptop.
> 
> But I hope you enjoy this rather short chapter

He was sitting at his desk in the pantry. It was a new one. Like so many other things he had changed around during the past three months. He only had to raise his eyes from the wine ledger to see how cozy the bleak butler’s pantry had become.

He had replaced the rather intimidating desk Carson had used. Yes he was finally able to think or speak that name without having his worst time flashing in front of his eyes and crippling him again. He sighed as he remembered how disappointed Lady Mary had been when he had told her which desk he planned to use.

For a week she had refused to speak with him, after he told her that he would be using the late Mr. Crawley’s former office desk. It had been a rather bad week for him. He had gone down the dark road again, feeling left alone.

Of course he could understand her point but now she was married to somebody else and Mr. Talbot didn’t think it necessary that they kept the things of her first husband under lock. So he had taken his chances only to be rebuked.

And it had hurt more than humanly possible. It had taken him the best part of two weeks to get over the events of that fateful day. It had been the 18th of September and it had been the worst and at the same time the best day of his life.

Only to be followed by the shock of waking up in Lady Mary’s lap. He chuckled as he remembered that morning. How kind and understanding Lady Mary had been and how she had been giggling at his expression when he realized what he was sleeping on.

But then after he had resumed his duties as butler something had changed. Of course the family knew that he wasn’t working at his best. Was actually far from it. And the first month Mrs. Hughes had run the whole house together with Mr. Molesley.

He was surprised when he had heard that bit from Andy but the man had been a butler before joining the staff at the Abbey. He had been more surprised at the fact that Molesley had been willing to fill in for him.

After a week which he had spent locked away in his room, he had started joining the staff again if only for short periods at first. It had been unbearable in the beginning and he had wanted to give up the moment he had entered the servants’ hall and had felt all eyes on him.

But Phyllis had insisted and so he had returned the next day. And the day after. And after another week he had felt strong enough to spend his entire day sequestered away in his office and the meals at the common table.

Gosh. How weird it felt to sit at the head of that table. Of course he had done so already when he was filling in for Carson. But it was something different now that it was his place. The first meal had been agony and he had been damn near a panic attack.

He had feared those eyes upon him. Had feared their pity and their knowing. It had taken his entire willpower to stay in his chair. After that he had taken to sitting at the table for an hour after everyone had gone to bed. Just to get used to it.

Once Phyllis had found out she and Andy had joined him in silent companionship. And so did Mrs. Hughes and even Mr. Molesley on occasion. He slowly started to feel more comfortable with this exposed position.

And after another week he had been able to resume at least part of his duties. Around this time he had noticed that a few of the family were starting to throw him impatient and questioning looks. And he had known that he had to get back to normal faster than he would have liked.

But here he was now. Three months after the events. He wasn’t yet stable or even recovered but he was back at work. And it helped him immensely. He looked back down at the wine ledger which still lay in front of him.

He picked back up on his previous train of thought only to have them wander again. God, he had turned into some kind of brooder. No wonder he got nothing done. Always thinking about the past wouldn’t get things done in the present.

But the issue with Mr. Crawley’s desk hadn’t been all that had gained him Lady Mary’s ill mood. He had also requested the infamous gramophone to be put in the servants’ hall next to Jimmy’s piano.

He shook his head in despair. No more thinking on Jimmy. It was only getting him down again. And he knew that. Only too well. But he couldn’t help thinking of the piano as Jimmy’s. It was where he had spent some of his happiest moments.

But that was done now. And so the piano had been pushed away into a lonely corner and the gramophone had replaced it. Much more modern Andy had commented on that. But Lady Mary hadn’t been too happy.

In the end she had relented but since then the relationship had cooled down considerably. And it made him sad. He hadn’t wanted to put her off. And she seemed to accept that. But her earlier warmth had gone.

But Anna had insisted that it hadn't changed, that her Lady still worried about him and would like to see him happy. He wasn’t sure what to make of that. How could he possibly be happy? Lucky, yes. Content, yes. But happiness was something he wasn’t sure he would ever find again.

He felt a sole tear running down his cheek. Angrily he wiped it away. It wouldn’t do if somebody found him bawling like a babe. And he still had to get through that damned wine ledger. And he had to take a look at the silver.

Polishing silver was something he found incredibly calming. Again he had to chuckle as he remembered how he hated polishing the silver when he was still a footman. It had basically been the worst thing on earth back then.

But now it provided some sort of shelter and everybody knew that he was not to be disturbed when he worked with the silver. Sometimes Andy would join him and they would work quietly for a few minutes.

Then Andy would start babbling trivial things and he was glad to join in. It worked wonders. In the evenings Phyllis would join him for a cup of tea. He thoroughly enjoyed those moments with his friends.

Actually he began to enjoy spending time with most of the others as well. Even with Bates. Their relationship hadn’t improved much but it had changed. Bates gave him the respect of his office and he repayed it with politeness.

It was going better for him. He felt like he was finally on the mend. He had a save job. He had friends. And he enjoyed both immensely. Humming he set to updating the wine ledger. It was going to be alright. He knew it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> right he is on the mend. not fast. more at a snail's pace but on the mend nonetheless.
> 
> there will be a few more chapters and an epilogue. I need to finish this so I can start on another fic that has been running rounds in my mind for some time.


	12. Phyllis (6 months after the showdown)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phyllis and Joseph have a quiet conversation. Joseph makes a big step. Phyllis is overwhelmed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we are. A long needed Phyllis chapter. And poor Thomas once again. But this is about Phyllis. And Joseph

No. Simply no. That wouldn’t do at all. It was horrible. Horrible to all involved. Especially to her little brother. Scarred and scared as he was it was basically the worst thing that could have happened. And now he sat in his pantry, door locked and if one listened carefully there were soft sobs wafting through the wood of the door.

She let her head fall into her hands. It simply had been an unfortunate accident that nobody had anticipated. Suddenly she felt a hand on her back rubbing softly. “Are you alright Ms. Baxter? What on earth has happened in the village?”

Oh sweet Joseph. Despite her worries she smiled. He was the only one who managed that nowadays. With his unconditional support in every situation he had given her confidence and strength she had never known she had.

And he had given her more than that but she was careful not to show it. Especially not to Joseph himself. Though she had talked to Thomas about it on evening when they were sitting in the snuggly corner of his office.

And even that had demanded quite some courage. Thomas knew all of her story. Knew what had happened between her and Peter Coyle. Knew the tax it had taken from her. And still was taking from her.

But when Thomas had pointed out to her that Joseph “more than liked” her, to quote her little brother, she had looked at Joseph’s affections in a different light. But then everything had gone down the river and she didn’t have any more time to think about her feelings for Joseph or the scars Peter had left behind.

And there wasn’t time now either. Not after what had happened in the village. Not with Thomas back at his. She heard a quiet knock on wood and saw Andy standing at Thomas’ door whispering quietly. Finally the door opened just a crack and Andy disappeared within.

“Phyllis what is wrong? You look awfully cut up.” She knew he was right. She probably looked like she felt. Damned awful. “Was it something that happened with Barrow?” Joseph still hadn’t forgotten nor forgiven Thomas for his earlier scheming.

Despite how often she had told him what she could without giving away too much of her little brother’s private life. She knew she couldn’t betray his confidence. And so Joseph remained in the dark about many things, including her life long relationship with Thomas Barrow and his sister. And about Thomas’ nearly successful suicide.

She slowly shook her head and turned towards the man she started to like a lot more than she thought she might ever like someone again. “No Joseph. I am sorry if I worried you. Thomas has done nothing wrong. On the contrary.”

“But something has happened and it has deeply affected you. Not to mention that Mr. Barrow has taken to hiding again.” He smiled at her. Clearly he had meant it as a joke but it was certainly nothing to joke about.

“Leave him be Joseph. He has had a trying time and is still recovering. He needs some time for that believe me.” He gently took her hand. She didn’t like being touched by men. Not even Joseph. Or Thomas for that matter. Not as long as she didn’t initiate it.

When she pulled away her hand she could see the worry in his eyes. “Phyllis? Are you sure you are alright? Won’t you tell me what is going on so I can help you?” She drew a deep breath. For a moment she considered telling him everything.

But then she couldn’t. But she had to talk to someone or she would end up in worse a state than her little brother. And that wouldn’t do at all. So when she looked at Joseph again she knew she had to tell him something.

But not here in the servants’ hall. Too public. There was always Mrs. Hughes sitting room. But then there was a grate on the wall and she didn’t want any listeners. Nor did she want to bother Mrs. Hughes.

So she rose and grabbed his arm. “Come along.” She dragged him all the way to the bathroom where Thomas had shown her his medications. Nowadays nobody used it anymore. So they would be undisturbed.

Joseph now looked really troubled. “Phyllis, please tell me what is wrong in heaven’s name!” She looked down at her shoes reconsidering once more how much she could tell him without betraying Thomas’ trust.

She pointed to a stool. “You better take a seat. It might take some time.” After he had done as she requested she sat on the rim of the tub. “What I am going to tell you must never under all circumstance leave this room.”

He was at the edge of his seat now. “I can’t tell you everything because I wouldn’t betray the trust Thomas has placed in me.” She held up a hand when he tried to interrupt her. “Joseph, he is like a little brother to me and has been since he was four and I was ten.”

“We basically grew up together. Him, me and his older sister. When he left to enter service we kept contact and wrote to each other regularly. Then when that business with Peter happened he stood as character witness during the trial and later also stood surety so I could be released early.”

“Then he managed to get me the job here and I couldn’t have been more grateful to him. But I had changed since we last met each other. And he was not happy about it. Neither was he happy about his own situation. And that was the reason for his behaviour.”

Again Joseph seemed on the brink of saying something, so she hastily continued. “And before you ask. It is not my story to tell. It is Thomas’ story. And I will only tell you as much as you need to understand the situation.” That seemed to calm him a little and he sat back down again.

She took a deep breath to collect herself before she continued. “You might remember that I arrived about the time that Jimmy left. Thomas loved Jimmy. I think that is safe to say since everybody knew. And they had become good friends. But when Jimmy had to leave it plunged Thomas into a dark pit he couldn’t get out of.”

“He did something terrible. You might remember when he looked ready to keel over? I helped him settle it. But it gnawed at him. And Carson wasn’t much improving the situation.”

“In fact he made it worse. You might recall when Ms. Denker came over and told us about staff being laid off? It gave Carson the opportunity to give Thomas his notice. Only Thomas couldn’t leave this house. It was and is his home.”

“It wasn’t only Carson nagging at him about finding a new job. When Andy got hired Thomas wanted to befriend him. And all of you sabotaged that. No matter how much he insisted that he didn’t want anything from Andy.”

When she drew a breath to gather her courage for what was to come Joseph got a word in. “Well he made quite a show of getting close to him. We all thought it was very obvious what he was trying to do. Especially after Jimmy.”

Now she started to get angry. “Despite how often he told you all the opposite? And still you went on bullying him and setting Andy up against him? Andy isn’t even his type Joseph. And Thomas full well knows not to make a play for anyone without their consent. It is like that in their world. It is hard and harsh and far from easy like for those who conform to the way people want it to be.”

She actually had to control herself not to burst out giggling when she saw his face. An expression of pure astonishment had appeared on Joseph’s lovely face. She must have caught him out with something.

“What is it Joseph? What has confused you? It is all very straightforward.” “I just didn’t know that people like Thomas had types. I mean there aren’t many to choose from.” She shook her head in despair.

“Joseph everybody has types. And their life is a lonely one. So when they find a person that suits them, like Jimmy for Thomas, they stay utterly loyal to each other because they know how lucky they are to have found their match.”

He nodded. “Go on then. You stopped with Andy. But there is more isn’t there? I can feel it.” She sighed. “Yes there is more and it will only get worse I am afraid. So hold on tight and don’t interrupt me please.”

“He was alone. And Carson made it clear that even after fifteen years Thomas could not be trusted. And it left him devastated. He had to leave the place he had called home. The first place he could really call a home.”

“He had to leave it knowing that everyone except me was against him. That nobody trusted him. It was too much. Do you recall that day we walked to the school? When you asked if everything was alright and I replied that I hoped it was?”

“Well it wasn’t alright. Nothing was.” And she chose to tell him what Thomas had done. Because as a member of the upper staff he had the right to know. Even Bates did. “Andy and I found him just in time.”

“He had locked himself into the bathroom. Andy kicked in the door. Thomas was laying in the bathtub. Pale as a ghost. The water was dark red by contrast. He had slit his own wrists. Because he couldn’t take it anymore.”

She heard Joseph suck in the air sharply. “It took him some time to recover. During that time Lady Mary and Lord Grantham made the decision to sack Carson and replace him with Thomas. And to offer Thomas a place in this house for life.”

“He recovered well but then Carson came back. And they had the fight we all knew they needed to have. But it had been too early for him. He fell back into that pit. But this time he had Andy and me at his side.”

“And of course you and Mrs. Hughes. You both kept it all running while he was recovering. That was more of a help than I could ever thank you for. When he got back to work it all went well. Slowly but it went well.”

“We all thought him on the mend and so he was. We even persuaded him to make little trips outside the house. It was pure horror to him at first. Even leaving the house. You might have realized that he never smokes anymore?”

“That is because he can’t go outside any longer to do it. Leaving the house means leaving safety. And he is not yet ready to do that on his own. We eventually got as far as visiting the Bates’ on occasion. And then we thought him ready to go into the village.”

And here they were. The events of today were still raw in her mind. In hindsight it might have been madness to go into the village. But after more than half a year it had seemed alright to go and try. But of course they had made their plan without thinking of fate.

And as fate wished it happened. “Going into the village today was Thomas’ hardest trial since taking over from Carson. We had to coax him all the way there. We visited the graveyard. Thomas wanted to show us the grave of a soldier he knew well.”

“A soldier who was a patient at the hospital during the War and who committed suicide after he had been told that he had to leave the hospital despite not being ready. Who had needed the security of the hospital and the companionship Thomas offered.”

“When we exited the graveyard something happened. Or better someone happened. It was just a chance meeting but it was a meeting no one wanted either way. You might have guessed it already. It was Mr. Carson. He was doing some shopping or posting a letter or whatever.”

She made a helpless gesture. “He hadn’t changed. He immediately went off about how Thomas shouldn’t be allowed to enter the graveyard or the church. It crushed Thomas. And Carson wouldn’t listen to me or Andy.”

“He just went on. Luckily though Mrs. Crawley was in her garden and heard him. She was able to stop him. By then Thomas was back in the graveyard. But not at Edward’s grave. He was kneeling in front of Lady Sybil’s.”

“Told us about how nice she was to him. How she always accepted him the way he was. How they had worked together during the War. And how she had comforted him after Edward had made his last decision.”

“We got him to come back to the house with us. And now he has locked himself into his office. You could actually hear him crying. Andy managed to gain entry just when we were sitting at the table. So you see. It is not what it seems to be Joseph.”

She just couldn’t go any further. She buried her face in her hands and let out a tiny sob. It was just too taxing. To cope with Thomas on one end and with her feelings for Joseph and her past with Peter on the other.

She felt how two strong but gentle arms slipped around her and held her. “Shsh. Phyllis you can’t manage all of this on your own. You have to let me help you.” She sobbed again but looked up at him.

“Joseph. This is not just about Thomas. Though he is my biggest worry. But I just can’t let you help me. It is actually a wonder that I didn’t hit you on reflex when you took me into your arms. I have had more troubles concerning Peter Coyle than you might think.”

“That might be so. But we will face them together Phyllis. I have suspected that there is more to the story than you told me. But I will not ask. I will listen if you ever want to tell me. But please do know one thing. You will never have to carry those burdens on your own again. I will be there for you.” And with that he took her back into his arms. She was too stunned to utter another word so she just let her head fall against his chest and cried freely for the first time in years. It felt better than she could ever possibly tell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we are. Guess you might have expected something slightly different. So no there was no proposal ;)  
> And sorry for hawking that awful story of Thomas' back up. But I had the slight feeling that Mr. Molesley wouldn't have realized much of what was going on with Thomas. 
> 
> There will be another chapter from Andy's point of view (Which i hope you will like a lot :P ) and an epilogue and that will be it. 
> 
> So leave kudos and thoughts good or bad for I am looking forward to them :)


	13. Andy (18.9.1926)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A wedding, an unlikely secret, a good talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok this is the last "real" chapter. There will be an epilogue but the action happens here.  
> Be prepared :)

“Let’s do this then.” Thomas seemed nearly cheerful but by now he knew his friend well enough to know who taxing this whole thing was on him. How Thomas desperately tried to keep a happy façade up for their sake.

“Thomas are you sure you can manage?” He was worried. Even if things had gone well in the past year for them and especially for Thomas. And this was the final test so to say. Thomas smiled weakly at him.

“I have to. For me, for her and for all involved.” He put an arm around Thomas’ shoulder. “And you will do nicely I think. But you know who will be inside that church?” Thomas nodded. “As I said I can manage Andy. It has been a year now. I think it will work. And I do have something to do anyways. And you know that.”

“So you still mean to go through with it? Are you up to it?” Thomas sighed heavily “If I don’t do it now I will never do it. And now you better get inside. The bride is coming.” And with that they turned around.

Thomas broke into a wide grin. A real one this time. “Phyllis you look marvellous.” “Flatterer.” Thomas offered her his arm. “Andy off you go. We will be right behind you. I bet Phyllis can’t wait much longer for her honeymoon.”

They broke into a good natured laugh as the bell began to toll. He hastened inside to take his place next to Daisy. It was rather a good thing he thought that Thomas was able to make lewd jokes again. And it was true what Thomas had said.

If he didn’t get it through today he never would find the courage again. Then the doors opened and everybody stood. Once again he was grateful for his height as he was able to see what happened after the doors opened to reveal the bride and the man giving her away.

It made sense really. Ms. Baxter, soon to be Molesley, and Thomas referred to each other as siblings and as far as he knew she didn’t have any other relations. And so it was the butler of the house leading the housekeeper up the aisle.

“They look so handsome.” Daisy murmured under her breath. And she was right. They made a nice couple. After Thomas had passed her hand into Molesley’s, not without hesitation, he murmured something to Molesley and went to take his place behind the groom.

It had been Ms. Baxter’s idea and dearest wish that Thomas would double up as the man giving her away and the best man. And Mr. Molesley was keen to fulfil her every wish. Especially since he couldn’t come up with a real alternative for both.

Even though it put double the pressure on Thomas. And surely he had seen a slight tremor in the hand that gave the bride away. He let his eyes wander from the couple at the altar to the man in the first pew.

Thomas sat slightly hunched but attentive to the proceedings at the altar. No real danger or so he concluded. Then he saw how Thomas carefully lifted a tissue to his eyes. Dear god. Was he getting emotional at his old age of thirty-five years?

But then he presumed that if his only family relation would get married after so much trouble he would also cry. He felt a slight tug at his sleeve and looked down. Daisy was smiling at him. “Are you alright Andy? You look worried.”

He smiled back “I am fine thank you. It is a lovely ceremony don’t you think?” She nodded. “You know I once imagined Thomas and me up there.” He was dumbstruck. What? But then Daisy chuckled quietly.

“It was years ago, before the War. I was twelve and he was eighteen or nineteen. And four years later I was married. But not to him. By then he had long spurned me. He was only doing it to spite William. Who in the end became my husband.”

She suddenly seemed very down. “We were married for about four hours. Then he died from the wounds he sustained in the battle at Amiens. He tried to protect the heir Mr Matthew. It was rather a sad day.”

So that was how Daisy had ended up with Mr. Mason. He never heard the full story. He had spent so much time trying to help Thomas that he had neglected his other friends and especially Daisy. He resolved to spend more time with her from now.

He heard Daisy sigh and brush a single tear away as in front of them they heard the long awaited “I do”. He felt a small hand slip into his big one. And smiled. He really liked Daisy. Always had. He would definitely be spending more time with her.

But today he had to accompany Thomas on one last mission. Then the Molesleys came down the aisle hand in hand and he had never seen someone happier than Mrs. Molesley nee Baxter. He held Daisy’s hand a little tighter.

Right behind the happy couple followed Thomas, who to his astonishment looked equally blissful. And he was certain it was a real emotion. Thomas was happy. For the first time in more than a year. And he smiled.

But then something struck him as odd. He had on occasion already noted how similar Thomas and Mrs. Molesley looked. But today it was so obvious that he couldn’t say why he hadn’t asked Thomas about it yet. They could be twins for all he knew.

He suddenly realized that Daisy was talking to him. “Sorry Daisy. I was miles away.” “Planning your own wedding?” She laughed “I asked whether you would like to walk back up to the house with me.” He shook his head.

Slowly letting go of her hand he said “No. I am sorry Daisy but I have one last appointment with Thomas. And it is rather important I fear. But after this day I promise you we will be spending a lot of time together if you want to.”

His reward was the biggest smile he had ever seen. “Oh you daft beggar. Of course would like to spend more time with you.” “DAISY!” “Coming Mrs. Patmore!” He took her hand once more. “I will see you back at the house later.”

As he watched her leave he felt someone putting a hand on his shoulder. When he turned around he already knew that it was Thomas and immediately started worrying again. “You like her?” He heard Thomas whisper.

“Yes.” And to his surprise Thomas smiled. “I am glad for you. Both of you. Though now you are abandoning me as well.” He felt heat rise in his cheeks. “No Thomas.” “Yes. And I couldn’t be happier about it.” Only then did he realize Thomas was smirking.

“You and Phyllis have been a great support and even greater friends during the past year. And we will stay friends Andy. But it is time that both of you returned to your own lives. I have taken up much too much of both you time.”

“You could never take up too much time Thomas. You needed the help.” “And as I said I am grateful for it. But I have been improving for some time now and won’t be needing your complete attention. Go and live Andy. Daisy is a wonderful young woman.”

Involuntarily he had to smile at the thought of Daisy. “That she is. Are you sure Thomas?” “As sure as I ever was about anything.” Then he saw with fear how Thomas expression hardened and became determined.

When he turned around he saw Carson standing in a group nearby. “You still want to do that Thomas?” Thomas nodded “But not now. I’ll wait till he is finished speaking. No need to raise tempers unnecessarily.”

He still need to ask Thomas about his observations earlier. And no better time than now. Even if he was rather nervous about asking Thomas anything so personal. But still. He wanted to know and like Thomas said he wouldn’t be able to get his courage up a second time.

“Thomas?” gosh he was squeaking. “Yes?” Thomas raised an eyebrow at him. “I wanted to ask you something. And I want you to answer truthfully.” Dam it now Thomas was looking at him worried. He hadn’t wanted to worry him.

“Go ahead. I presume it is something personal?” he nodded. And took a great breath. “It is about you and Mrs. Molesley.” “Call her Phyllis for heaven’s sake.” “I noticed something some time ago and noticed it again today. I wanted to know whether I was right with my assumptions.”

Thomas motioned him to continue, always keeping an eye on Carson. He took another deep breath. “Are you two related? I know you refer to each other as siblings. But you look so similar you could be twins. Especially when happy.”

But instead of blowing a full steam casket at the presumption Thomas just chuckled. “So you have finally figured out something that was plain in front of you for more than a year? Congratulations.” “So there is something more to your relationship than just friendship?”

Thomas nodded thoughtfully. “Yes. But it would be too complicated to tell you the whole story now. I will when we have a quiet moment. I know that Phyllis wanted to tell you some time ago seeing as you are one of our group now. And Joseph knows too. She told him as well. So it is only fair that you know as well.”

Now he was standing tiptoe from the strain of the unknown. Thomas sighed and then started up. He listened raptly to a very unbelievable story. “Phyllis is my sister Andy. Well not exactly. My half-sister really.”

She is the daughter of my mother from her first marriage. Her parents had separated when she was five. Her father moved away, taking her with him. My mother remarried and had two more children. Me and my other older sister. Who died of the Spanish Flu in 1919.”

“When I was four Phyllis, her dad and his new wife moved back to Stockport. That’s when I got to know her. My dad didn’t want us to know and didn’t want us to have contact with her but my mum and her first husband thought otherwise.”

So Margaret was encouraged to befriend Phyllis. And Margaret and Phyllis used to play at our house, so I got to meet her too. Though I wasn’t really interested in playing with them. Even then I already knew I didn’t like girls.”

“But then I got kicked out and Phyllis left home soon after while Margaret had to stay behind. She bade Phyllis to keep an eye out for me and so she did. Just like I did when I was able to. Phyllis was my last link to home.”

“So there you are Andy. Question answered? There is far more to it. And far more to my past than you even suspect but I think we will leave it at that for now.” Thomas smiled at him. He was once more dumbfounded.

Phyllis was Thomas’ sister? Now that explained a lot of things. And he had long suspected that there was more to Thomas’ past than the older man would let on. But once again he wasn’t the stupid and naïve little boy they thought him to be.

It was obvious to him that Thomas had been treated badly by his father. That he had sought to replace him with Mr. Carson only to be cast down with them same violence only exerted in a different way.

It was fairly obvious to anybody who stopped on moment to think about another person. And now that he knew about Phyllis and Thomas true relationship a lot more puzzle pieces fell into place. And wasn’t a nice picture emerging.

Thomas had mentioned that he was kicked out of his home by his father. Most likely because of his sexual orientation. That he saw Phyllis as his last link home told him that Thomas had been forbidden from making contact with either sister or mother.

It was a gruelling thought really. He couldn’t imagine it. He hadn’t parted with his parents on the best of terms because they thought it nuts to leave a place like he had only to go for his luck in the Yorkshire countryside. But he still wrote to them. Or at least had Thomas write to them.

But having no contact at all was awful. Especially if your mother and sister had been so close to you as Mrs. Barrow and Margaret seemed to have been to Thomas. “Andy? Everything alright?” Thomas’ concerned voice pulled him back to the present.

“Yes Thomas, sorry. I was miles away. Do you still want me to tug along with you two?” “Yes please. Only stay within hearing distance. Admire some tombstone or whatsoever.” Thomas smiled and grabbed him by the shoulder.

“And here we go.” With that Thomas strode towards Mr. Carson. How confident he seemed. But he knew that if Carson were to say the wrong thing at the wrong time it would all go awry. So he prayed it wouldn’t.

He saw Thomas gesture towards the quieter area of the graveyard. He knew what Thomas had planned to say and to show Mr. Carson. When he saw the hesitation in Carson’s step his alarm was on high sensitivity.

But Thomas seemed insistent and after a moment Carson followed Thomas and he followed Carson. He stopped at William Mason’s grave. It was purely coincidental. But Lt. Courtenay’s grave was just a few rows behind William’s and so it seemed convenient to stop here.

Thomas and Carson were still talking quietly but seemed more relaxed now. He knew that Thomas would be speaking louder when it came to Lt. Courtenay and other things he wanted to discuss with Carson. So he had some time to himself.

Well himself and William Mason. After all he had heard from the others and what Daisy had told him in church, it seemed that William had really loved her. He hoped that he would be equal to his memory.

He knew that Mr. Mason had an inkling about what he was getting at with Daisy. And it seemed the old man approved of it. He knew how much the old man had loved his son and still loved Daisy in place of a child.

Mr. Mason would be the one leading Daisy up the aisle on her wedding day. And maybe it was too much to hope that he would be the one leading her down again. But in asking William’s permission he seemed to have gone up the garden path one more step.

But before he could further contemplate his courtship of Daisy Mason he heard Thomas raise his voice just a little and noted how his body posture had changed. Carson also looked more aggressive now.

“You see Mr. Carson there is a story I would like to tell you. And I would like to finish it without being interrupted.” To that Carson just nodded his assent. He saw how Thomas took a deep breath and immediately wanted to knock on wood.

But somehow he didn’t think that William would appreciate it if he used his cross for luck knocking so he just waited with baited breath. “During the War when I worked at the hospital as a medic we had a soldier coming in from the Somme.”

“His name was Edward Courtenay. He had been blinded by mustard gas. He was afraid and had a rough time adjusting to his new situation. Dr. Clarkson appointed me and Lady Sybil as his personal helpers.”

“But it was really only me who took care of him as Lady Sybil was busy with other patients and her own life. After a few days in each other’s company he slowly begun to trust me enough to talk to me like a friend rather than a nurse.”

“He needed that. He needed a friend. There was a letter once. It was from his mother and he asked me to read it to him. He made me stop halfway through. Told me about how his little brother had always wanted his position.”

“Had wanted his girl and his life. All the while Edward only ever wanted to fish and hunt and shoot. And read. He had been studying at Oxford when the War came. But all that wasn’t possible anymore. It was devastating to him.”

“Then a letter from his brother arrived. I never told him about it. He knew that Jack would write. But he didn’t want to hear it. And I respected that. But in short the letter was in the unkindest wording and it told Edward that he was displaced as heir by his brother on the grounds of his physical incompetence.”

“By then Edward had begun to recover enough to be able to start walking around again. We spend many hours trying to make use of the stick he was given. It was hard and slow work. Edward just couldn’t accept it.”

“He was becoming frustrated and got snappy. Yet we kept trying. Until the day Dr. Clarkson told him that he had to leave for Farley Home since at that time Downton wasn’t yet a convalescent home. But he couldn’t leave.”

“He panicked. He needed the surroundings he had grown used to. Needed me as his friend and eyes. From one moment to the next he was torn away from all that offered safety. From all that meant even a bit of possibility.”

“The next day he was supposed to leave. But he didn’t. He had cut his wrists in the night. Because he couldn’t bear the thought of losing everything again. Because Dr. Clarkson bullied him until he yielded. And now he rests here.”

“And one more thing Mr. Carson. I locked myself into my room at the hospital that day. I cried until no tears were left. Because one of the kindest and saddest people I ever knew had left this world. And it was a horrible thing. He is the whole reason Downton became a convalescent home.”

He knew that Thomas had said everything he had wanted to say. But when he looked up he didn’t see what he expected to see. Not a man slumped over, carrying a burden too heavy. But a man confident enough to stand up to his greatest foe.

And he was proud of Thomas. He knew how taxing it had been. And he could also see that the words had hit their mark. That Carson had understood the implication behind them. Thomas let his hand slide from the stone.

Only now did he realize that Thomas had held onto it for the entirety of the story. Then Thomas turned around and marched straight back to him. He shortly contemplated William Mason’s cross. “He would have approved of you Andy.” Thomas said with a smile.

They both turned on the spot. Carson had a way of sneaking up on people that was unnerving. “Andrew. Mr Barrow.” “Mr. Carson” Thomas just nodded. He thought it was just by way of saying goodbye. But Mr. Carson had something to say.

“Thank you Mr. Barrow for sharing this story with me. You have given me a lot to think about. I really appreciate it. I think I am now able to understand better what was going on.” Carson tipped his hat and turned to leave.

But now Thomas was getting a bit anxious. He knew what the older man expected from Mr. Carson. “Give our greetings to Mrs. Hughes. I hope she is coping well with retirement?” Carson turned around.

“Indeed she is. At least she was allowed to go whenever she pleased.” Thomas wanted to interrupt but Carson held a hand up “I am not angry with you Mr. Barrow for taking my job. I am angry at his Lordship for changing his mind and then putting me out the door without a moment’s notice.”

“This is not your fault. And to be sure you were already doing much of my job anyways. I couldn’t see the writing properly anymore and I couldn’t run around the house all day. I just sat at my desk bellowing orders.”

Heaven forfend. What had happened to Carson? He was like an exchanged being. “I know, Mr. Barrow, that we will never be friends. But I respect you for your choices and for your will to take this on. And for your courage in telling me Edward’s, no your story. I hope you can forgive me.”

Carson extended his hand towards Thomas. Now this was crucial. To be honest he hadn’t the slightest idea what Thomas would do. But once again Thomas surprised him. Instead of balking and spitting venom at Carson’s assumptions, he took the offered hand.

“No we will never be friends Mr Carson. But I thank you for your words and your understanding. And as unlikely as this might sound. I have forgiven you Mr. Carson. I want to start anew and I don’t want any old baggage dragging behind me. So let us make peace.”

And once more he found himself dumbfounded. Carson was actually tearing up at Thomas’ words. Well there was a first for everything. Carson Nodded and turned around. Thomas was smiling. “Well at least this is over and dusted with.”

He still couldn’t get his mind together properly. “Why have you forgiven him? After all he has done to you? I was sure you would jump at him screaming and gouging his eyes out for what he said.” Thomas shook his head, still smiling.

“No Andy. I realized that I had forgiven him when I decided to tell him about Edward. And it is true. I don’t want any old baggage dragging behind me, threatening to pull me under at first chance. I am done with this whole sorry episode. I want to get on with my life.”

They started walking towards the Abbey. “But you didn’t tell him all about Edward didn’t you?” Thomas shook his head. “No I didn’t, though he might have guessed by the way I spoke about him. But it didn’t seem to bother him much.”

And with that they launched into a comfortable silence. Side by side they walked back up to the house. When they arrived Thomas gave him a little slap on his back and mumbled something about Daisy. While fishing for a cigarette and having himself a smoke in the courtyard.

And now he was certain that in near future there wasn’t anything to worry about concerning Thomas. They had made it through the rough waters and had landed on a softer shore. He smiled. It had been worth it. He had gained a friend for life and a true companion. It was going to be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright folks. I honestly don't know why i wrote that about Phyllis being Thomas' sister. it just happened. But i hope you liked the chapter anyway.   
> pleased to read each end every comment you guys might leave for me. I will reply 100% sure.   
> The epilogue will be out shortly and then that was it.


	14. Epilogue Thomas 1967

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The epilogue. Thomas reflects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it then. A one shot that has turned into a runaway multi chapter fic. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy the epilogue and in general have enjoyed the story. I shed many a tear especially during writing that epilogue.

The grand dinner had been a great success. It was one of the few things that he still had pleasure in doing. After all the changes over the years it was really a small miracle that Downton still was held as a private residence and able to host dinners like this.

Even if it had been opened to the public a few years prior on a regular basis. Even if there wasn’t much to it anymore in terms of grandness. Lord George still lived at the house along with his wife and his two children.

The Dowager Lady Mary and her husband Henry Talbot had moved into Crawley house after Isobel Crawely had died in 1953. The original Dower house had been sold in order to keep the house running during the great depression of 1929.

By then the Old Lady Grantham had been dead a few years. In fact she had died only a few months after Phyllis wedding. Which had turned out to be the best possible thing for his big sister. He smiled at the thought of her never ending happiness afterwards.

But unfortunately Joseph had been a few years older than her and had died seven years ago at the blessed age of 86. But Phyllis had been devastated. Truth be told he had asked himself if Phyllis would follow her beloved husband to the grave on her own accord.

But she hadn’t. She had remained the strong woman she always had been. And he was glad for it. He hadn’t been sure what he would have done if Phyllis would have left. He had spent so many evenings at the Molesley’s cottage in the past years comforting Phyllis like she had done for him during his trial.

She still lived there now at the age of 83, a grandmother to the Bates’ grandchildren who never had the pleasure of having them, and they revelled in her attention. It was rather sad to think about why they didn’t have grandparents of their own.

John Bates had died 1937 when his weak leg had given out on the steep stairs of their house and he had taken a tumble. Truth be told he had remained rather indifferent to Bates’ death. They never had been friends.

But he had cried for Anna when she had died even before that. Anna had been a fantastic mother and was one of the kindest people he knew. He still remembered the way she had comforted him the night Lady Sybil had died in childbed.

Nobody could have foreseen that she would die the same way. But she had died in childbed. And her boy had perished with her. Bates had been utterly devastated at the loss of his beloved wife. That had been in spring 1930.

After Anna’s death Phyllis had taken responsibility for the two children left to John Bates. After he had died, Phyllis and Joseph, who had never had children due to their age, adopted the two. And now they were all Phyllis had left.

Except for him of course. But he still lived at the big house. One of only four or five servants that still lived there. The others were living in the village. Among them Daisy and Andy Parker. As could have been predicted they actually had married.

After the marriage Andy and Daisy had decided to move to Mr. Mason’s farm and live there. Along with Mrs. Patmore. Who had also married. So Daisy’s surrogate parents had become a happy couple after all.

Andy had also decided that he wanted to go into farming as a full time job and had handed in his notice shortly after Joseph. Daisy took over from Mrs. Patmore and was still wielding pots and pans for the upstairs today.

They never really had replaced the lost footmen. The recession and the second war had made keeping to the old standards impossible. And after the war Master George and Lady Mary had decided not to run the house back up to pre-recession glory.

Thank the Lord that Carson hadn’t been around to witness that. He chuckled slightly to himself. True to his words they had never become friends but they had lived in a peaceful co-existence, greeting each other when chance meeting in the village and inquiring after each other’s well-being.

Then one day, in 1931 Carson had dropped dead in the village, while looking in at the post office. Dr. Clarkson, still in office at that time, had diagnosed a stroke as the cause. Elsie had followed her beloved husband three years later.

It was sad really to think of how few people were still left on earth that had accompanied him through life. Andy and he were still thick as thieves and he had stood best man at their wedding. He also was the godfather of the oldest Parker child. A boy named Thomas.

And Thomas was not only his namesake. He was like him in many ways. Especially concerning his affection for the same sex. But Tommy would be going to have a much easier life than he ever had. Right now there was even the possibility of a bill in parliament about making gay love legal. Not that anything would come of it. But it was a step forward.

Lord and Lady Grantham were gone too. Their death had been the most unfortunate. They had been in London during one of the Nazi air raids. A missile had hit Grantham house, reducing it to rubble. The whole estate had been in shock for weeks afterwards.

Lady Edith had married Lord Hexham and moved to Brancaster. She lived a happy live surrounded by their children and grandchildren while at the same time running her magazine. As she still did today.

Tom Branson still lived at Downton. He and Mr. Talbot had opened the car shop they had always spoken about and it had been a great success. However Mr. Branson was still single. He had had a heated affair with Lady Edith’s editor. But the woman had gone to France as a war journalist and was never seen again.

France. That reminded him of someone he would rather have forgotten. A young, blonde haired footman he once had loved with all his heart. He had banned Jimmy Kent from his thoughts after he had decided to restart his life.

But when the war had broken out he had found himself thinking more and more about the man he still loved. Jimmy had still been of an age to be drafted back into the army when England had entered the war in 1939.

He had searched for more than two years. But it had been too late. So one rainy October afternoon had found him in a London cemetery in front of a white cross. “Here lies the body of Lt. James Kent. Born 7.4. 1898, Chichester – died 10.8. 1944 Avranches”

Jimmy had died in the last great offensive of the Germans at the western front. He had died before he had been able to bid him a final farewell. He had dawdled too long. It had been too much at that moment. He had broken down and cried.

He couldn’t have said for how long he had kneeled in front of Jimmy’s grave. But when he had finally stopped crying he had managed one last goodbye. He remembered how he had checked for other mourners before pressing a kiss on his hand and touching it to the cross.

Only then had he realized that Jimmy had made it to the rank of lieutenant. The same as Edward had been. And higher than himself who had only been acting sergeant. He had smiled despite the sad occasion. He was proud of Jimmy.

Upon returning to the Abbey he had decided to keep Jimmy in the same place of his heart as Edward. He cherished their memory and the time they had spent together. Those were good memories. Even if he had shared more with Edward than with Jimmy he had loved them both with equal passion.

And as impossible as it sounded he had found love again. And this time it had a happy ending. After the war Master George had decided not to hire footmen again. Instead he had hired a valet who acted as footman. Also his own duties had been adjusted.

And as it happened John Williams had turned out to be an amiable chap. They had many things in common and together kept the house running after Phyllis had resigned from her duties as housekeeper when Anna had died.

When he had returned from his trip to London on that October day it had been John who had immediately figured that his trip hadn’t had a happy ending. But instead of asking impertinent questions John had simply taken him into his arms and had comforted him.

That had been the beginning of their relationship. And it had lasted till today. And if god wanted it many a year more. It didn’t matter that there was quite an age gap because John was a few years younger than Andy.

They got along so nicely and that was all that mattered. Certainly John hadn’t gone for looks with him. The years had left their mark on him. By 1935 his black hair had gone grey. By ’45 his face was deeply lined.

When he looked at the mirror now he saw an old man. Haggard and with tired eyes. His injured hand had gone completely stiff and his lungs were punishing lifelong chain smoking. He was so tired. He was 77 years old and felt like ninety.

And before he could fall into self-pity once more he felt how his breath became laboured once more. Dam he really hated it when that happened. But perhaps it would get better if he lay down. It was getting late anyways.

 

* * *

 

 

Thomas Barrow died on 27 of July 1967 of undetected pulmonic cancer. It was the day parliament passed the bill that made being gay legal.

His burial was attended by all his surviving friends and foes. Many speeches were held over his grave and his strength and his courage were praised even by those who didn’t like him. He had been a great figure in the lives of many. His final resting place was between his best friends in the village he called home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thx for all the support, especially Trampadoo whose comments made me laugh and who kept this story going by writing those comments.
> 
> I started this as a make up for the bulls... JF has made of Thomas' arc. he deserved better. I think it worked. And yes if it hadn't been made clear in the last chapter, Thomas had a romantic relationship with Edward Courtenay.  
> In fact I am a fervent Thomas/Edward shipper and have a one shot (that will stay one) up my sleeve which i will start writing after posting this.  
> And maybe I will return to this and write some little spin offs. like Phyllis and Joseph or Thomas background story. maybe. maybe. holidays can get boring ;)
> 
> But i hoped you enjoyed out little trip through Thomas life. Please leave comments and kudos. Thomas will be grateful :P


	15. ...

Pushing this up for american watchers ;)  
enjoy


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